that one time sandi had a bad day*

Feeling so depressed here at work this evening. Wasn't like this at home at all. Thank goodness for our special regular customers!! In telling two of them (separately) about how i am feeling, they each said, "Cookies!!!" Good, sound advice.

* people are always saying that i am always happy and that they have NEVER seen me have a "bad day"

I almost got sentimental about Stephen/Crafted. there for one minute. NO. Men are NOT worth my time. Twice burned with that one. What the fuck do I have to GET emotional about except the LOCATION COOLNESS FACTOR??? What a fucking waste of my energy.

musing about all the things plus dream piece/theme

Having a voice. Being able to converse with people, perhaps even hold my own in a debate situation.Being able to use my vocabulary. Being able to write about something, anything, everything. Trusting my voice. Wanting to be heard. (Not needing -plus, i have always been a good listener) All of this is something i have not had a full grasp on for quite a while now, and is something that i truly need to regain. I attribute a lot of this to my past relationship with Chuck. I can never forget the time he told me that he could not listen to me for more than 5 minutes, and how he would always tell me that my outlook was "wrong" when we were discussing something. So, i stopped talking. Then even at the bus stop trying to talk with Jess about things only to have her frown at me as i struggled to find the words with which to express myself. I realize that the "frown" is some people's "listening face", but it can be intimidating for me.Tina @Lowe's had that face as well. And, there is an entire other level of this self-confidence problem: how devastated i was after the lay-off from Shoppe's. How humiliating it was to work at Lowe's. ("Is this your first job?" - patronizingly said by a co-worker) How can i overcome this? Maybe try writing on Goodreads about the books i finish. An actual review! I will need to get past the "who cares what i think" mindset. Maybe I could care how i think!!!

I am concerned about my Rhiannon. She has seemed a lot "older" this past week. She has not woken up from her spot on the porch since i got home from work tonight. So, no "Frosty Paws" yet! I will let her sleep. I love my girl so much.

She woke up a few hours later and found the treat i had left in her bowl. I heard her as i was falling off to sleep. She came in and checked on me, then went back out to the porch. Love my girl.

I had a very complex wild character-laden dream which i could not recall fully enough to write down. It would make a great sci-fi/cyber punk/urban fantasy type book, i am sure! As i was falling back asleep (after having gotten up to tinkle) i was hoping to return to the Dream so that i could hang out some more with my Sweet One some more.

musings...

Well - that time is NOW, and last night was a true test. Three (work) mistakes in 24 hours had my self-confidence way down and my fear way up high. I could NOT sleep. But, even though i thought about it a few times, no beer (emotional band-aid).

musings...

Thank you, bell hooks, for helping me so deeply with your perceptive,clear,honest writing. Underscoring some of the thoughts and ideas that i have had of late. Begun with a statement by Kay, now followed through and expanded by Rock My Soul and Bone Black. While not fully and addict-type personality, i do know that i have used my love of good beer as a solace. As a way to ease the pain of life. And currently that is a financial burden for me. As i am (hopefully) through the worst of my financial struggle since getting laid off (10/07/2010), i need to make it to the next step, which is getting rid of the credit card debt that carried me through the rough time of 2010 to now. So, i must make another sacrifice. From 2010 to 2014 it was my time and sleep. Now, i must scale back my "pleasure" spending. That translates to my $10 a day beer habit! hahaaaaa! I will only buy beer on Thursdays & Fridays. Those will be my "play" days. I will also adjust my sleep patterns so i am not staying up till 3 a.m. after work! By going to sleep earlier (say, 1:30) i will be able to get more done during the daylight hours. Not having a few beers each night after work will help me make this adjustment, because having a beer makes me want to party, and often stay up way too late. These changes will help me restore a sense of efficiency. I feel scared and incapable right now. This is all a holdover from the getting laid-off panic, which i am still working to recover from/move through/heal...

     "When the possibility of self  control becomes as attractive - more attractive- than any other possibility, including temporary relief."   -Marc Lewis

dream...

i am visiting Lorraine (totally different house)and she shuns me quite harshly -it hurts so badly- i am crying, but she does not care...she orders me to leave, will have nothing more to do with me...as i continue to implore, to find out WHY, finally the truth comes out -that she is dying of cancer and wants to spare me the pain of that, of losing her to a death from cancer...she tells me that while she is reclining, and i can see that she is in bad shape, ravaged by the cancer...but i am allowed to stay, to continue to be with her, to give her my loving friendship, so i know that we will be together, and that feels very good

poem...

texture/emotion
rain bright
asphalt
shadow
moving
dancing
the song of
night