Winter Solstice

dream segment...

i dream that i meet george harrison's son...he brings his child over to play...as we are talking, i try to tell him about a newspaper article i read, and about parts of rosanne cash's book 'Composed' that had to do with his father and how that impacted me, but there were many distractions and i was not being very articulate...that was frustrating, but as we talked i thought about how he is probably weary of talking about his father with people anyway...

"Record Store Day" dream...

i am driving/walking in Fairfax looking for Record and Tape Exchange...find the store and we walk across the street up to the door...there are two employees standing outside having a chat, one of them opens the door for me as we approach and makes a bit of small talk...i realize that i have forgotten the LPs that i wanted to exchange, so i won't have any money to get the Decemberists new single that i wanted, but i am going to browse anyway...there is another customer coming in, she is a regular, we say "hellos" as she walks by, she's got lots of tattoos and turquoise jewelery and long graying blond/brown hair...i find a couple of Grateful Dead box sets that are partial sets so i look at the booklets...later i find two Mandrill LPs from the late 1970's, and i get very excited...i stand there trying to figure out how i can buy them even though i have no money right now...

State of Mind rant: feel free to ignore

Even though i promised myself a "new beginning" on December 1st (began new job that day...), i have yet to truly connect with that in any real sense. I am not at all close to that feeling of self, alive and centered. I feel blocked, yet I know that possibility and growth are within my reach. I have an awareness, but seem unable to fully act. Unless I am making excuses: too cold, too stressed about $$$, etc. I'll be better when: this happens, or this happens, or? Circular thought patterns bringing me right back to here. Here and now? yes, but static. I need to take time, yes, but i need to focus. Not slipping back into depression, but almost. Need to go for a walk, need to go alone, guilt about not taking my dog along, she needs a long walk too, so i don't go. So what gets accomplished? Nothing. I was beginning to get organized and felt really good about that, but then I ran out of money (needed for some projects like CD case, etc.) so must wait for first paycheck to get bills paid, then the cold weather hit, and must wait for new heating system to be installed before moving on with projects because the cold really zaps my energy levels. Plus adjusting to the new job. I do miss the grocery store. (NOT that hell-hole in Alexandria, though. whew.) I am anxious about not making enough $$$ to pay my bills. I need to go full-time as soon as I can. I need a second job until then. I need to take my camera everywhere with me again. I need a good cry to get this all out of my system. I need to remember that I am a good person, and let go of all the negativity that I have accumulated from relationships past.

Beer And A Book

Far overdue, this latest installment of the much-loved (by few) series. This episode brings us a Vanilla Stout from Saranac in New York. Brewed with Chocolate and Caramel Malts and vanilla. Smooth and tasty, perfect for this cold night, quaffing and reading; 'The Greatest Show On Earth' by Richard Dawkins. Showing his sense of humor all over the place, Dawkins gives us the facts in an anecdotal style.

And check this out: Sam Calagione has his OWN beer & a book pairings to share...

My Applications

Wegman's - five rejection e-mails...
Whole Foods
Costco
Target - one rejection e-mail...
Lowe's - two rejection e-mails...& 1 call plus interview = HIRED
Staples
Bed Bath & Beyond
Borders
Trader Joe's
Safeway
Giant - & interview = HIRED
SERVE
Clock Tower Thrift
The Farm at Broad Run
Foster's Grill
The Fauquier Bank
Barrel Oak Winery
Three Fox Vineyards
Total Wine
Barnes & Noble
Pet Smart
Bloom
CVS
Port City Brewing Company
28 North Custom Beer Company
Chrysalis Vineyards

Help Cookie Monster host Saturday Night Live

everywhere, some beauty to be found...

rain-soaked leaves lay sparkling
gem-like
on the shiny asphalt road
wind-strewn
a carpet glittering
on the long midnight road
sharp intake of breath
and quick smile
on the late-night road
home

State Of Mind

I think that I have reached the point where I have worked through the stress of the lay-off & transfer to this store that I call The Hell-Hole. I am now left with the depression. This is not my favorite state of mind, by any means. I am not very functional when I am depressed. Indeed, who is? I have put out so many applications to so many open jobs this past month, and have received zero calls. I have gotten three rejection e-mails, however. (Seriously, "Wegman's"?) For instance, today I hid in bed for five hours. Sleeping and dreaming. Letting my subconscious deal with all of it! My body aches from lack of "exercise". My mind aches from the worry and dissatisfaction. I am trying to focus on the positive; I have a job. I am also trying to better my situation; applying for jobs and talking to people/contacts. So I think that I am dealing fairly well with the whole situation, I just worry that I am overlooking something. Truly, tomorrow, I must work out or hike. Do some yoga. Nothing heals depression like "exercise"...movement...focus and breathing...

dream piece featuring Kevlar...

i am at work, doing programming...i am over by produce when i hear Kevlar's voice on the intercom system, the phone is off the hook at the register where he is working, so i can hear everything that he is saying...he has just said something about sex to his customer! i say to the co-worker near me, "did i just hear kevin say that?" and i walk over to his register to let him know that he needs to hang up the phone...he is dressed in a very dapper brown suit, and still having fun talking with his customer! it's also fun when i let him know that the whole store has just heard all that he's said! oops!

early morning reflection...

dream segment...

i am having to ward off demonic possession...repeated attacks...the way to do this is by very precise breathing techniques and chanting/toning/screaming to a particular volume level and intensity...a woman is leaning over me, up in my face and i cannot tell if she is benevolent or demonic so i begin my breathing and chanting as she speaks into my face...

This is where I wake up, because my "ghostly moaning" woke up my daughter, who texted me, then came into my room to make sure that I was o.k.! Apparently that last vocalization of mine was out loud and very scary-sounding.

Life

Yeah, so...i got laid off from work today.

Angry Beavers

While I do not appear to be completely awake, I do have my coffee and Washington Post in hand.

this is not haiku

steaming leaf compost pile
early autumn morning

Brown Cotton 9/29/2010

abandoned
on the road-
Unconditional Glove

Seeking balance & contentment...

The worst thing is when you let a man get inside your head. They take up way too much emotional space. They fill your head with their thinking patterns, and you begin to self-check yourself based on their criteria. It is toxic. For instance my new job position entails working four late shifts. This only seems to be a problem for me to adjust to because of the man who lives with me. This guilt and stress I feel when I sleep until 11 a.m.? Based on his patterns and perceptions. I have realized this, and will work to remove this negative mindset. Because I am OVER being depressed, and I want to be happy again.

Memories...

Back in the late 1960's, early 70's, whenever we drove through Georgetown, D.C. my father would make us lock the doors of the car. So the hippies wouldn't get us. Yes, my father voted for Richard Nixon.

Near Death By Friend

Driving to work in the afternoon i am almost hit head-on by a huge pickup which was all over in my lane. The truck swerved quickly to avoid impact. Felt the wind on that one. Cussing a blue streak, heart pounding. Make it to work alive, yay! Later on that evening Daisy's sister comes in the store and i holler out a hello to her. She asks me didn't she see me earlier on the road, just missed hitting me? I am stunned! It was somebody i know! I tell her does she have any idea how much i was cussing her? Told her to stay on her side of the road, jeez! What the hell? So she asks if her sis is still there and just roams on off. Whoah.

Tuliptree Silkmoth sighting...

I found a Tuliptree Silkmoth today. It was napping on some moss underneath a mountain laurel. Beautiful. When I brought Chuck over to show him, it flew up up and away. I did not take a photo, I am sorry to say. So here's a link to some info and photos about this beautiful North American moth. Here is a good photo, as well.