random thoughts & recent notes

• when i am depressed i don't feel real
• fear causes inaction
• when "you're a good person" actually means "goodbye" 
• i am NOT going to stare longingly out of this gate today, no way
• thinking about how i am not thinking about him is making me think about him
• i don't want to go back to feeling like "what's the use? i am close to death anyway"...
• something i am smelling here today reminds me of the beach, and it is filling me with longing 
• in the back of my mind, in my heart, i still maintain hope for us. and this is wrong, so wrong... 
• all of the time & energy i spent this past Spring & early Summer trying to connect, trying to get laid was a massive wasted effort with no results...i could have spent that time gardening...Epic Fail!!!
• i don't miss Chuck at all, and we were together for 8 years...i miss Gordon like crazy, and we only "had" one month...
• everything is changing inside my head