No Avail

all of my silent pleading
all of the yearning of my
heavy heart

random thoughts & recent notes

• when i am depressed i don't feel real
• fear causes inaction
• when "you're a good person" actually means "goodbye" 
• i am NOT going to stare longingly out of this gate today, no way
• thinking about how i am not thinking about him is making me think about him
• i don't want to go back to feeling like "what's the use? i am close to death anyway"...
• something i am smelling here today reminds me of the beach, and it is filling me with longing 
• in the back of my mind, in my heart, i still maintain hope for us. and this is wrong, so wrong... 
• all of the time & energy i spent this past Spring & early Summer trying to connect, trying to get laid was a massive wasted effort with no results...i could have spent that time gardening...Epic Fail!!!
• i don't miss Chuck at all, and we were together for 8 years...i miss Gordon like crazy, and we only "had" one month...
• everything is changing inside my head

no intimate love

when you tell me that nobody cares, nobody loves you
and i say yes! yes they do! there's this and that, all these people ask me about you
and you say "they don't matter"
that's when i need to be silent
because
you're right
i know exactly what you mean...
i have written about this before...
deep down inside,
it is true

chimes of course

hawk feathered cloud
disseminates over waning
moon/light caught and scattered
broken glass
spinning/screech owl calls
and deep wood
responds

breakthrough

you were not
the first thing that i thought of
upon awakening
this morning
and later
      in the day
i moved past
negativity
with the realization that no matter what
you did,
some hearts were going to be
crushed

awareness

early morning, driving
rollings hills/farmland
sun shining golden
on the green soybean fields

movement
slow road with
acoustic guitar
my life is
a
movie/right now
the soundtrack by
the Avett Brothers

travel, music & art

you don't know how i wanted to shine for you. how your encouragement brought out the very best in me. how huge the potential for us was, how much we could have accomplished together. i ache every time i think about that being gone now. i must, and will, do it on my own, but i really did want to share it with you.

random notes from this past week

• I just want to listen to Jane's Addiction.
• Calling friends to keep myself from texting you.
• I am going to make this shizz happen, all on my own.
• All sorts of friend and acquaintance love, but no intimate love.
• You did not answer direct questions, even though you loved to ask them!
• I must remember not to hate myself as I try to figure this shit out.
• I need to stop carrying my phone around with me as if you were about to send me a text message. As if our wonderful and terribly missed communication was about to resume.
• Just a simple "I'm sorry." would be very welcome.

H2O

misted droplets camouflage
hot tears
memory brought by sound
shaking,
the loss of you felt
along every nerve

Lessons Not Learned Yet

"Congress is not preparing to defend the people of the United States. It is planning to protect the capital of American speculators and investors.... Incidentally this preparation will benefit the manufacturers of munitions and war machines.... Strike against war, for without you no battles can be fought! Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder! Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings! Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction! Be heroes in an army of construction!"

-Helen Keller at Carnegie Hall January 5, 1916

lunch @scorched earth

silver shine of strong sun on the blue sky leaf dance breeze

Today is my strong day (head held high), but all it took was the distinctive rattle of two diesel Ford trucks pulling trailers, coming into the parking lot by the garden center front gates to send me spinning right back into sorrow. I started shaking, and the tears came hot and gut-wrenching.

I will also be very glad when the sound of a received text message does not cause my heart & stomach to jump with excitement. But oh, how I miss that communication. Ironic, considering how it ended with complete non-communication.

another train poem

plaintive whistle blares
and my heart fills with
longing-
curious to find where the steel rumble
goes/where it has been
the adventure of the distance
and the
getting there

dream sequence

Amanda L., another woman and i are arm-in-arm walking & dancing out of the store (grocery?) we were in and onto the sidewalk, singing all the while...the wide concrete sidewalk has been recently hosed down so it is beautifully clean, shiny and wet...

"That sounds like a Tom Petty Song"

misty rain and a
heart full of love

travel

no longer do my past mistakes haunt me
in insomniac episodes
no longer do i spend sleepless hours
calming my racing heart from the stress
and yet i still have not
broken through the wall
i cannot help but feel, however
that i am only two
steps away

Beer & A Book

dream piece

we are visiting someone, and i have Calypso with us...her cage is in a spot that has a leaking water issue, so i am picking up her cage and getting her out of it & making sure that she is o.k. and cleaning the cage...i am playing with her & washing her little feet...

dream piece

i am at work at Lowe's when i hear that Debi has put in her resignation for retirement, and her job position is open...i turn and scurry inside the store to get to a computer and apply for that open Garden Center position...

3:40 a.m.

drifting clouds long horizontal layers move across and reveal
the shiny crescent moon
the silver luminosity
a brief glimpse
above the orange tint of the horizon
even this early
even at this hour