dream segment featuring _+_

derek has come to visit, bringing a new animal companion which was given to kaela by a friend of hers...the small animal is in a cage, looks like a cross between a hamster and a ferret...i take it out of the cage to play, and it escapes! it runs across the room into a corner, through a bunch of dust bunnies, then under the dresser...i try to catch it, but it's quick...i am thinking that it will be impossible to find! i try not to stress about it, even though i must leave for work...later, when i am back home, i am in the room looking for the animal and find that my cats have caught it, and are eating it...there are also a large quantity of kittens that i did not know i had there...over a dozen! i see a quick movement in my peripheral vision, and reach to catch the animal, thinking/hoping that just maybe it might be the one, but when i look, it is one of my cats that i have caught (tyga), and i realize that the worst has indeed happened to the new pet...

Beer & a Book

This book was given to me by a Garden Center customer that I had only just met. After she and her Mom had come through my line, she came back about an hour later and brought this to me, saying that I reminded her of one of the characters. She said the book was well-traveled, and hoped that I enjoyed it. It came from Pikes Peak Library (stamped out of circulation) in Colorado Springs, CO...will register on Bookcrossing.com

This is "Azrael". A Belgian inspired Golden Ale from Devil's Backbone Brewing Company in Lexington, VA

Beer and a Book

Spam Poetry

Kerouac blank Sandi lavatories

assassins banana wigs unidirectionally Sandi mundanely tuber hoisting juxtaposing cartoon currencies
displacements superlative decolletage Monoceros Southern Macintosh Persian sublanguages
Anabaptists tangenital

reeling

that burning sound
you hear
is the smell
of my
mind
readjusting
refocusing
refining

dream segments...

i am looking through the refridgerator for something to eat...there is a lot of food there that i have recently gotten for free, and i wonder how come no one has eaten any of it...so much is in there going to spoil...as i move packages around, some break open, and i become more & more frustrated as i try to clean the spills up and put together food for me...my father is there, and notes my growing concern, he tells me to go ahead and voice my frustration, so i do...as i am telling him all of it (because it is not only about the food/fridge issue) he just says something lame and unfeeling and walks away...i think about how angry i am that i let myself be fooled into opening up to him on that emotional level...

i am in my room watching a football game on TV, and doing something else...one of the players makes an amazing play, and i exclaim out loud about it...my father walks out of his bedroom into the hallway...i ask him if he saw that play...he says "yeah" and walks back into his room...

a young male friend comes over, and we are talking about all types of things as i am getting ready for work...a good time...he says he has something very important to talk with me about, regarding my hectic work schedule, and our relationship...i want to talk now, but must leave for work, i tell him to come back after i get off at midnight, but he is not sure that he can...we hold hands walking down the driveway...

i am just relaxing, hanging out and notice that it is 6 o'clock! i was supposed to be at work at 5p.m. i go into panic mode, grab my phone from where it had been on the counter, but it is not my phone! it belongs to one of the guys who was over earlier! i try to use it to call the store and let them know that i am late, but i cannot figure out how to work it, i get into the photos instead...keep trying, then think just maybe i won't go...what to do?

red diesel Ford

i want to see you drive by
i want to see your face, peeking from
          behind the majestic palms
i want to see
just how much it hurts
stab me slowly
beneath the heart
the jagged knife
i will listen to Nirvana
as i bleed

No Avail

all of my silent pleading
all of the yearning of my
heavy heart

random thoughts & recent notes

• when i am depressed i don't feel real
• fear causes inaction
• when "you're a good person" actually means "goodbye" 
• i am NOT going to stare longingly out of this gate today, no way
• thinking about how i am not thinking about him is making me think about him
• i don't want to go back to feeling like "what's the use? i am close to death anyway"...
• something i am smelling here today reminds me of the beach, and it is filling me with longing 
• in the back of my mind, in my heart, i still maintain hope for us. and this is wrong, so wrong... 
• all of the time & energy i spent this past Spring & early Summer trying to connect, trying to get laid was a massive wasted effort with no results...i could have spent that time gardening...Epic Fail!!!
• i don't miss Chuck at all, and we were together for 8 years...i miss Gordon like crazy, and we only "had" one month...
• everything is changing inside my head

no intimate love

when you tell me that nobody cares, nobody loves you
and i say yes! yes they do! there's this and that, all these people ask me about you
and you say "they don't matter"
that's when i need to be silent
because
you're right
i know exactly what you mean...
i have written about this before...
deep down inside,
it is true

chimes of course

hawk feathered cloud
disseminates over waning
moon/light caught and scattered
broken glass
spinning/screech owl calls
and deep wood
responds

breakthrough

you were not
the first thing that i thought of
upon awakening
this morning
and later
      in the day
i moved past
negativity
with the realization that no matter what
you did,
some hearts were going to be
crushed

awareness

early morning, driving
rollings hills/farmland
sun shining golden
on the green soybean fields

movement
slow road with
acoustic guitar
my life is
a
movie/right now
the soundtrack by
the Avett Brothers

travel, music & art

you don't know how i wanted to shine for you. how your encouragement brought out the very best in me. how huge the potential for us was, how much we could have accomplished together. i ache every time i think about that being gone now. i must, and will, do it on my own, but i really did want to share it with you.

random notes from this past week

• I just want to listen to Jane's Addiction.
• Calling friends to keep myself from texting you.
• I am going to make this shizz happen, all on my own.
• All sorts of friend and acquaintance love, but no intimate love.
• You did not answer direct questions, even though you loved to ask them!
• I must remember not to hate myself as I try to figure this shit out.
• I need to stop carrying my phone around with me as if you were about to send me a text message. As if our wonderful and terribly missed communication was about to resume.
• Just a simple "I'm sorry." would be very welcome.

H2O

misted droplets camouflage
hot tears
memory brought by sound
shaking,
the loss of you felt
along every nerve

Lessons Not Learned Yet

"Congress is not preparing to defend the people of the United States. It is planning to protect the capital of American speculators and investors.... Incidentally this preparation will benefit the manufacturers of munitions and war machines.... Strike against war, for without you no battles can be fought! Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder! Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings! Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction! Be heroes in an army of construction!"

-Helen Keller at Carnegie Hall January 5, 1916

lunch @scorched earth

silver shine of strong sun on the blue sky leaf dance breeze

Today is my strong day (head held high), but all it took was the distinctive rattle of two diesel Ford trucks pulling trailers, coming into the parking lot by the garden center front gates to send me spinning right back into sorrow. I started shaking, and the tears came hot and gut-wrenching.

I will also be very glad when the sound of a received text message does not cause my heart & stomach to jump with excitement. But oh, how I miss that communication. Ironic, considering how it ended with complete non-communication.

another train poem

plaintive whistle blares
and my heart fills with
longing-
curious to find where the steel rumble
goes/where it has been
the adventure of the distance
and the
getting there