Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Sunday, December 19, 2010

dream segment...

i dream that i meet george harrison's son...he brings his child over to play...as we are talking, i try to tell him about a newspaper article i read, and about parts of rosanne cash's book 'Composed' that had to do with his father and how that impacted me, but there were many distractions and i was not being very articulate...that was frustrating, but as we talked i thought about how he is probably weary of talking about his father with people anyway...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

"Record Store Day" dream...

i am driving/walking in Fairfax looking for Record and Tape Exchange...find the store and we walk across the street up to the door...there are two employees standing outside having a chat, one of them opens the door for me as we approach and makes a bit of small talk...i realize that i have forgotten the LPs that i wanted to exchange, so i won't have any money to get the Decemberists new single that i wanted, but i am going to browse anyway...there is another customer coming in, she is a regular, we say "hellos" as she walks by, she's got lots of tattoos and turquoise jewelery and long graying blond/brown hair...i find a couple of Grateful Dead box sets that are partial sets so i look at the booklets...later i find two Mandrill LPs from the late 1970's, and i get very excited...i stand there trying to figure out how i can buy them even though i have no money right now...

Friday, December 10, 2010

State of Mind rant: feel free to ignore

Even though i promised myself a "new beginning" on December 1st (began new job that day...), i have yet to truly connect with that in any real sense. I am not at all close to that feeling of self, alive and centered. I feel blocked, yet I know that possibility and growth are within my reach. I have an awareness, but seem unable to fully act. Unless I am making excuses: too cold, too stressed about $$$, etc. I'll be better when: this happens, or this happens, or? Circular thought patterns bringing me right back to here. Here and now? yes, but static. I need to take time, yes, but i need to focus. Not slipping back into depression, but almost. Need to go for a walk, need to go alone, guilt about not taking my dog along, she needs a long walk too, so i don't go. So what gets accomplished? Nothing. I was beginning to get organized and felt really good about that, but then I ran out of money (needed for some projects like CD case, etc.) so must wait for first paycheck to get bills paid, then the cold weather hit, and must wait for new heating system to be installed before moving on with projects because the cold really zaps my energy levels. Plus adjusting to the new job. I do miss the grocery store. (NOT that hell-hole in Alexandria, though. whew.) I am anxious about not making enough $$$ to pay my bills. I need to go full-time as soon as I can. I need a second job until then. I need to take my camera everywhere with me again. I need a good cry to get this all out of my system. I need to remember that I am a good person, and let go of all the negativity that I have accumulated from relationships past.