Friday, December 10, 2010

State of Mind rant: feel free to ignore

Even though i promised myself a "new beginning" on December 1st (began new job that day...), i have yet to truly connect with that in any real sense. I am not at all close to that feeling of self, alive and centered. I feel blocked, yet I know that possibility and growth are within my reach. I have an awareness, but seem unable to fully act. Unless I am making excuses: too cold, too stressed about $$$, etc. I'll be better when: this happens, or this happens, or? Circular thought patterns bringing me right back to here. Here and now? yes, but static. I need to take time, yes, but i need to focus. Not slipping back into depression, but almost. Need to go for a walk, need to go alone, guilt about not taking my dog along, she needs a long walk too, so i don't go. So what gets accomplished? Nothing. I was beginning to get organized and felt really good about that, but then I ran out of money (needed for some projects like CD case, etc.) so must wait for first paycheck to get bills paid, then the cold weather hit, and must wait for new heating system to be installed before moving on with projects because the cold really zaps my energy levels. Plus adjusting to the new job. I do miss the grocery store. (NOT that hell-hole in Alexandria, though. whew.) I am anxious about not making enough $$$ to pay my bills. I need to go full-time as soon as I can. I need a second job until then. I need to take my camera everywhere with me again. I need a good cry to get this all out of my system. I need to remember that I am a good person, and let go of all the negativity that I have accumulated from relationships past.

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