Tuesday, September 01, 2015

dreaming - from September, 1979

i am with Mark Dove, it's friendly and nice

i am at Linda Babylon's mother's place- i am with Erin, in the bathroom helping him get ready for bed, brushing teeth and washing up

i am sitting at a large table-counter. there are a lot of other people sitting at it also. one person, who was at my right, was sorting through the big pile of mail in front of us. in the pile i saw a lot of small packages and letter which were addressed to me. they excited me, for they were from about "everyone". but most important, letters from Catherine! ---i asked the sorter if i would receive these letters at my mailbox today, she says she's not sure, so i ask if i may take the letters now, she says yes. i open some from Catherine, they are on-going letters since the time she disappeared, they are positive in tone---entries dated June and July---

(the 21st) i am at school/work---a very large group of people...
i see Chris Becker and go right up to him, am affectionate with him, he is smiling and returning the affection. we talk, we are friends. i am with Sioux (and Ellen , others in the "group)---we are friends--we are lovers, showing our affection---i hold her in my arms as we walk about, sit down. she has given me a letter/note. love and concerned, caring questions. joyous feelings.

i am expected to do an essay-report by a teacher.

made friends (sexual energy between us) with one---two black men (other people around)

yeast in those 3-pack foil packages [dated ?]

(the 22nd) i want to photograph Colleen, go to her house, but she is busy, asleep. later see her, talk with her, i later have the photographs and am processing them.

i hold Sioux in my arms. she is nestled with her back to my chest, my arms circle her. i am telling her of the dream of her i had yesterday. Ellen is there. Sioux asks if Ellen was in the dream. i think, then say yes.

i am in a house (friends??). a young man is walking up the stairs as i am walking down. he is naked. we're smiling friendly, i pinch his ass as i pass by him. later he, Rick Peabody and i are in Rick's room, there is music. they're paying attention to me. the young guy is a little annoying, sexual tension un-asked for. Rick and i are reminiscing...

(the 23rd: Autumnal Equinox) i have a SX-70 camera, and am taking photographs of a woman who is visiting. she is dear to me. we (she & i and other women) are walking around the town---she sits down in a field, resting. it is a marvelous "photo opportunity", and i hold the camera up framing the shot. someone sits close to her, it is not how i wanted, how i saw the shot.  i move to get only her in the frame but it is difficult to do this and stay with the good lighting, the sun setting is bright, to her back. but i take it anyway. no photo comes out of the camera, i click it again and 3-4 stuck together come out. i peel them apart.

someone (James?) tells me of a blond man i must go see because he is the kind i like, the kind that "gets me hot". so i go over to the wooden bridge to see. i rub myself up against the railing saying, "so he's the kind that gets me hot". then i see him walking below on the pavement by the water. a black man, but he is not handsome! and, he's too fat. phooey. so i look around at all the other people on the bridge, wanting a beautiful blonde curly long hair. i check out all the young hippy men near me, i know some of them. one is Scott Griffin (but does not look like him). he is talking, complaining. "why are you such a bastard?" i ask as he leaves. i connect with a younger man/boy, friendly, blonde, kind eyes. we walk about the town together. i carry him. on the backstreet by the water we see a lot of decoys of different birds. we startle the birds there. swans fly up. ducks, of strange plumage. we stop and look at them, then walk into a building. a tiny shark bites onto my side and the top of my bathing suit, i pull it off and cast it back into the water. i show the people i am with the bite mark on my right side. a perfect circle, i point it out, trace along the mark with my finger---

(the 25th)  i am with a group, including Jeanne Grossman. we are shopping.

Mark Dove and i are together. it is here at home, the MTN, and my father has cut down all the trees in front of the house all the way down to the road, and cleared out all of the brush. now it is all mud. there are many people standing in the road, facing us, and it perplexes me. i say i must get lots of trees to plant. Mark and i hold each other, happy to be together. someone asks me something to which i reply, "NO!", i will stay with Mark. i haven't seen him since January. i've missed him and i've looked so forward to being with him. as i speak, i reach for Mark and we hold each other.

i've had a baby. i hold her, carry her. i forget things about taking care of her. such as when the bottle is misplaced i remember that i can breastfeed. no milk comes out the first time she sucks. later some does, it is sticky and sweet to the taste. i squeeze my right nipple to get some, taste it and tell her, "it's sweet!", then she nurses. ---Betty changes her diaper. i realize that i had put one on her in the morning, but had not yet changed her. she is wrapped in a blanket like a burrito, Betty did it. i am unwrapping her to hold and be with her. we lie on my bed under the big window and talk. ---later, talking on the phone, Betty has taken the baby with her, without asking or telling me. i am quite angry, raise my voice over the phone with Mom, then relax and say "oh just go ahead".

Sally Struthers and her husband and another person on a talk show...

i live (communally) in a town house. a party gathering is going on. a nice looking young man walks by me on the patio out back. i pinch his ass & say you sweet thing. he turns, smiling, attracted to me also. he gently moves my hair from my face, saying "pretty girl". we are very hot for each other. we go upstairs to get him a drink. meet Darlene Arsenault on the stairs, she tells me, "you know how it was _____ & Nancy?, well now it's Darlene & Nancy too". this upsets me, for i am very attracted to Nancy, i want her, not some guy, and now Darlene "has" her. i complain, then Darlene yells at me, tells me off, all the things wrong with me. she thinks i wallow in self-pity and people dislike me for that. i'm upset. i am getting his drink, ice water, i throw/hand it to him then walk out of the kitchen, he follows. then i go back and tell Darlene that i appreciate her telling me how she felt, the truth. but i still think she was unfair. he & i sit on the stairwell. i stroke his face, feeling glad for some affection. Darlene walks down the stairs. i feel conscious of her seeing me touching him, wondering at how she will judge me for this---

i am in Betty's room with him, begin to make love to him, then when i am very aroused, i lie on my back and move his hands toward my pants zipper, which he begins to undo. we are interrupted by Betty. after i close the door and begin walking back to him, i remember "i can lock this door!", which i do, it comes open, i close it again and go back to him, thinking how that passion i had is gone, it was such a special feeling that i had...

i am at school (younger, maybe 12?), my companion is a younger version of the same man. we are in class. Smiley (Marsteller science teacher) is the teacher. class is just beginning, and she is telling the girls to sit more ladylike, like a triangle between the eyes and _____. this upsets me, and i complain, we'll sit however is comfortable, this "feminine" stuff is trash. we get into quite a yelling fight. then class begins. she writes a problem on the board and call on me. i take out/unfold my homework but cannot locate the problem. and the problem makes no sense to me, my companion begins to do the problem out loud, then he stops, saying that he does not want to take it away from me. i say, "ohh, go ahead!"

later, some of us pass out bread. i am wearing a hooded robe. i am thinking "maker of the loaf" and of the special magick of bread. i take my tray up to some male students and tell them that I made this bread, it was not made by the patriarchy ---something about their energy is bad, and my energy is magick (no words to describe it) one of the students and i exchange a knowing look, he realizes my power, and they partake of some of the bread.

(26th)   i am appearing on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show. both Carson and Ed Mcmahon are there, joking. Lucille Ball is a guest also. she is young, and appears quite fragile, weak. she sits wrapped in a blanket on the floor to my left. she looks up at me with big eyes. a close womanfriend is also a guest. she sits to my right. i've a pet friend with me also (rabbit? puppy?) we can look at a TV monitor to see ourselves. 

i am in a college cafeteria. my close womanfriend is there also. many people there. we get something to drink. bottle of (wine? water? fruit juice?)

(27th)   a womanfriend (Gail??) and i are riding the bus to NYC. it is much faster than the train two years ago, i am impressed. it is like a conveyor belt ride. there is an attendant, she shows us how to stand, our hands on the shoulders of the person in front of us (Gail is in front of me) when we go over the bridge. this is a safety precaution for it is raining very hard. we get off in a large building. i put my hands on Gail's shoulders again as a sign of humorous affection. we walk around meeting many people. i have a notebook with me. climbing down off the roof of a building, i hand it to two men so that i can descend easier, without having to hold the notebook. Gail & i go to a restaurant to get some beer. we go to a concert, i am very excited about it. seeing Kate Millett. we sit in the wrong seats. when we move to the correct seats, the people to my left strongly dislike me. the woman wants to hurt me, i give her my arm which she pinches as hard as she can, but it does not hurt. i sit calmly. the concert begins. the woman (black) begins by altering her costume. she moves sensuously. she & i have a rapport. her hands are chained for another "song", she brings them to me for unlocking. i am moved. i do so, and the lock & part of the chain is in my hands. i feel the urge to throw them to the stage, dramatics, but i do not do it for fear of not throwing them far enough and accidentally hitting someone. it is a shame that i do not trust myself. she is moved by my participation, devotion. she speaks about this. she moves to me and we kiss long and lovingly. then the show continues. i move to the left of the room, talk with some black men as the next performance begins. she introduces a lot of young black men who are dressed to represent Black History. one man i'm talking with complains that the show is something like you'd do in school, but i disagree, i see the value and the meaning in the performance. one is dressed as Issac Hayes. there are twins as fighters. they come up to me, their eyes are striking, someone mentions this. the twin on my right puts his leg up on my shoulder. i think he's attractive. i slowly stroke his leg. i make a pun on what they're saying/singing, "yeah, he's a hunk!"...

i am living in apartments where Darlene Peyton is also, we meet each other on the steps and talk. it is good. we leave together. we are at a trash dump, i see a lot of unusual feminist newsletter/magazines. but as i go through them, they change. we leave with nothing. riding my trike/bike together. Darlene says she cannot wait till we get where we can make love. i agree. night and rainy/snowy streets.

i and my partner are waiting, hidden, outside a man's home. see him walk outside. it is night, very dark. we are having trouble with our suits so we are worried the job won't go right. we decide to leave. i start up the horse, and we go up the trail. we are on a wagon the horse is pulling. i notice the horse has many cuts and bloody oozing spots on it. one hoof is almost all disintegrated, so i get the burden off the horse and walk, leading it. my partner asks why stop? and i point out the horse's problem.

i am in a bar. i am an outlaw. a man shoots me many times, but i do not die.

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