poem...

the leaves are dancing to the
perfect tune
of my emotions,
wind-blown and
strewn about/the poems
of my
mind

126/72 Stress Flow Relief

95.5 % efficiency of (Sierra Nevada)
beer bottle cap/as
Mus Musculus
habitational deterrent

poem

pale tail floating - mouse
water reservoir drowning
Autumnal sorrow

dream pieces...

at work, the uniforms have been changed, and they look like something from Munchkin Land...there is much laughter and teasing of co-workers...

i return home, Lesley is here and has started a fire in the woodstove, but i freak out because it's all wrong, so i quickly go about fixing it, closing the doors properly and setting the woodstove back to level...

there are little white flowers (???) all over the floor of the house, apparently blown in by the wind...when i return to the house from doing something outside, a young friend of mine has swept them all up & i am appreciative

dream...

i am at work, and it is not a "store", it is a community; streets/houses/shops...i come across Mary D. there & we talk for a bit...i am selling cigarettes to someone, and cannot find on which street they are located, Cortney reminds me...i take a phone call from a belligerent co-worker which i must cut short because it is closing time...as i walk through the community towards the huge gates, i see so many people all about! including a crowd at the sports field & i begin to wonder just HOW i am going to get them all out so that we can close! there is a trio of gates, and as i lock them all in turn, people open them and come in...i run from one to the other trying to keep people out, and re-lock the gates (which keep changing)...i make a few closing announcements, but it does not help at all, people keep coming in, and very few are leaving...some of the people are quite forceful and rude about their gate crashing, and i remind them that there is nothing to buy because we are closed!!! but on they come...

MMM & i are both pregnant and go to the hospital for some tests, and as i open our room with my store key, Control Center calls to check on what's happening, even though i deactivated the alarm with my code...i explain to the caller what is going on, and she is sympathetic...i wait to see if it is o.k. for us to be there, watching two security men test the room...i am wondering if i should have alerted the doctor first?

Dream...

there is an event at the Pool/Clubhouse area which i am attending, as it is about to begin, i run back to the house to get something out of my car...i cue some music, and see Cindi K. through the kitchen window singing along to the T. Rex song that i have put on. we kind of wink at each other as i run back to the event...hearing the next song begin to play...

dream

there is a vein wrapping itself around my left forearm, ever more tightly - i can see it; blue and medium large...i go to the doctor to have it checked out...he works on my arm, pulls the "vein" from my arm (i can FEEL this process in the dream) and proclaims it to be a worm!!!

musings of despair

I have done something seriously wrong with my life, and i peg it starting with when i decided to be with Robert. That was 35 years ago, and it was a wrong move. Is it too late to fix? Please tell me, "No!!!".

Oh, The Pooch Life

Just returned home from a very nice walk with Rhiannon. Her back legs not 100% strong, but she was feeling good! Good enough to eat something gross out of the neighbor's yard.

dreaming - from September, 1979

i am with Mark Dove, it's friendly and nice

i am at Linda Babylon's mother's place- i am with Erin, in the bathroom helping him get ready for bed, brushing teeth and washing up

i am sitting at a large table-counter. there are a lot of other people sitting at it also. one person, who was at my right, was sorting through the big pile of mail in front of us. in the pile i saw a lot of small packages and letter which were addressed to me. they excited me, for they were from about "everyone". but most important, letters from Catherine! ---i asked the sorter if i would receive these letters at my mailbox today, she says she's not sure, so i ask if i may take the letters now, she says yes. i open some from Catherine, they are on-going letters since the time she disappeared, they are positive in tone---entries dated June and July---

(the 21st) i am at school/work---a very large group of people...
i see Chris Becker and go right up to him, am affectionate with him, he is smiling and returning the affection. we talk, we are friends. i am with Sioux (and Ellen , others in the "group)---we are friends--we are lovers, showing our affection---i hold her in my arms as we walk about, sit down. she has given me a letter/note. love and concerned, caring questions. joyous feelings.

i am expected to do an essay-report by a teacher.

made friends (sexual energy between us) with one---two black men (other people around)

yeast in those 3-pack foil packages [dated ?]

(the 22nd) i want to photograph Colleen, go to her house, but she is busy, asleep. later see her, talk with her, i later have the photographs and am processing them.

i hold Sioux in my arms. she is nestled with her back to my chest, my arms circle her. i am telling her of the dream of her i had yesterday. Ellen is there. Sioux asks if Ellen was in the dream. i think, then say yes.

i am in a house (friends??). a young man is walking up the stairs as i am walking down. he is naked. we're smiling friendly, i pinch his ass as i pass by him. later he, Rick Peabody and i are in Rick's room, there is music. they're paying attention to me. the young guy is a little annoying, sexual tension un-asked for. Rick and i are reminiscing...

(the 23rd: Autumnal Equinox) i have a SX-70 camera, and am taking photographs of a woman who is visiting. she is dear to me. we (she & i and other women) are walking around the town---she sits down in a field, resting. it is a marvelous "photo opportunity", and i hold the camera up framing the shot. someone sits close to her, it is not how i wanted, how i saw the shot.  i move to get only her in the frame but it is difficult to do this and stay with the good lighting, the sun setting is bright, to her back. but i take it anyway. no photo comes out of the camera, i click it again and 3-4 stuck together come out. i peel them apart.

someone (James?) tells me of a blond man i must go see because he is the kind i like, the kind that "gets me hot". so i go over to the wooden bridge to see. i rub myself up against the railing saying, "so he's the kind that gets me hot". then i see him walking below on the pavement by the water. a black man, but he is not handsome! and, he's too fat. phooey. so i look around at all the other people on the bridge, wanting a beautiful blonde curly long hair. i check out all the young hippy men near me, i know some of them. one is Scott Griffin (but does not look like him). he is talking, complaining. "why are you such a bastard?" i ask as he leaves. i connect with a younger man/boy, friendly, blonde, kind eyes. we walk about the town together. i carry him. on the backstreet by the water we see a lot of decoys of different birds. we startle the birds there. swans fly up. ducks, of strange plumage. we stop and look at them, then walk into a building. a tiny shark bites onto my side and the top of my bathing suit, i pull it off and cast it back into the water. i show the people i am with the bite mark on my right side. a perfect circle, i point it out, trace along the mark with my finger---

(the 25th)  i am with a group, including Jeanne Grossman. we are shopping.

Mark Dove and i are together. it is here at home, the MTN, and my father has cut down all the trees in front of the house all the way down to the road, and cleared out all of the brush. now it is all mud. there are many people standing in the road, facing us, and it perplexes me. i say i must get lots of trees to plant. Mark and i hold each other, happy to be together. someone asks me something to which i reply, "NO!", i will stay with Mark. i haven't seen him since January. i've missed him and i've looked so forward to being with him. as i speak, i reach for Mark and we hold each other.

i've had a baby. i hold her, carry her. i forget things about taking care of her. such as when the bottle is misplaced i remember that i can breastfeed. no milk comes out the first time she sucks. later some does, it is sticky and sweet to the taste. i squeeze my right nipple to get some, taste it and tell her, "it's sweet!", then she nurses. ---Betty changes her diaper. i realize that i had put one on her in the morning, but had not yet changed her. she is wrapped in a blanket like a burrito, Betty did it. i am unwrapping her to hold and be with her. we lie on my bed under the big window and talk. ---later, talking on the phone, Betty has taken the baby with her, without asking or telling me. i am quite angry, raise my voice over the phone with Mom, then relax and say "oh just go ahead".

Sally Struthers and her husband and another person on a talk show...

i live (communally) in a town house. a party gathering is going on. a nice looking young man walks by me on the patio out back. i pinch his ass & say you sweet thing. he turns, smiling, attracted to me also. he gently moves my hair from my face, saying "pretty girl". we are very hot for each other. we go upstairs to get him a drink. meet Darlene Arsenault on the stairs, she tells me, "you know how it was _____ & Nancy?, well now it's Darlene & Nancy too". this upsets me, for i am very attracted to Nancy, i want her, not some guy, and now Darlene "has" her. i complain, then Darlene yells at me, tells me off, all the things wrong with me. she thinks i wallow in self-pity and people dislike me for that. i'm upset. i am getting his drink, ice water, i throw/hand it to him then walk out of the kitchen, he follows. then i go back and tell Darlene that i appreciate her telling me how she felt, the truth. but i still think she was unfair. he & i sit on the stairwell. i stroke his face, feeling glad for some affection. Darlene walks down the stairs. i feel conscious of her seeing me touching him, wondering at how she will judge me for this---

i am in Betty's room with him, begin to make love to him, then when i am very aroused, i lie on my back and move his hands toward my pants zipper, which he begins to undo. we are interrupted by Betty. after i close the door and begin walking back to him, i remember "i can lock this door!", which i do, it comes open, i close it again and go back to him, thinking how that passion i had is gone, it was such a special feeling that i had...

i am at school (younger, maybe 12?), my companion is a younger version of the same man. we are in class. Smiley (Marsteller science teacher) is the teacher. class is just beginning, and she is telling the girls to sit more ladylike, like a triangle between the eyes and _____. this upsets me, and i complain, we'll sit however is comfortable, this "feminine" stuff is trash. we get into quite a yelling fight. then class begins. she writes a problem on the board and call on me. i take out/unfold my homework but cannot locate the problem. and the problem makes no sense to me, my companion begins to do the problem out loud, then he stops, saying that he does not want to take it away from me. i say, "ohh, go ahead!"

later, some of us pass out bread. i am wearing a hooded robe. i am thinking "maker of the loaf" and of the special magick of bread. i take my tray up to some male students and tell them that I made this bread, it was not made by the patriarchy ---something about their energy is bad, and my energy is magick (no words to describe it) one of the students and i exchange a knowing look, he realizes my power, and they partake of some of the bread.

(26th)   i am appearing on the Johnny Carson Tonight Show. both Carson and Ed Mcmahon are there, joking. Lucille Ball is a guest also. she is young, and appears quite fragile, weak. she sits wrapped in a blanket on the floor to my left. she looks up at me with big eyes. a close womanfriend is also a guest. she sits to my right. i've a pet friend with me also (rabbit? puppy?) we can look at a TV monitor to see ourselves. 

i am in a college cafeteria. my close womanfriend is there also. many people there. we get something to drink. bottle of (wine? water? fruit juice?)

(27th)   a womanfriend (Gail??) and i are riding the bus to NYC. it is much faster than the train two years ago, i am impressed. it is like a conveyor belt ride. there is an attendant, she shows us how to stand, our hands on the shoulders of the person in front of us (Gail is in front of me) when we go over the bridge. this is a safety precaution for it is raining very hard. we get off in a large building. i put my hands on Gail's shoulders again as a sign of humorous affection. we walk around meeting many people. i have a notebook with me. climbing down off the roof of a building, i hand it to two men so that i can descend easier, without having to hold the notebook. Gail & i go to a restaurant to get some beer. we go to a concert, i am very excited about it. seeing Kate Millett. we sit in the wrong seats. when we move to the correct seats, the people to my left strongly dislike me. the woman wants to hurt me, i give her my arm which she pinches as hard as she can, but it does not hurt. i sit calmly. the concert begins. the woman (black) begins by altering her costume. she moves sensuously. she & i have a rapport. her hands are chained for another "song", she brings them to me for unlocking. i am moved. i do so, and the lock & part of the chain is in my hands. i feel the urge to throw them to the stage, dramatics, but i do not do it for fear of not throwing them far enough and accidentally hitting someone. it is a shame that i do not trust myself. she is moved by my participation, devotion. she speaks about this. she moves to me and we kiss long and lovingly. then the show continues. i move to the left of the room, talk with some black men as the next performance begins. she introduces a lot of young black men who are dressed to represent Black History. one man i'm talking with complains that the show is something like you'd do in school, but i disagree, i see the value and the meaning in the performance. one is dressed as Issac Hayes. there are twins as fighters. they come up to me, their eyes are striking, someone mentions this. the twin on my right puts his leg up on my shoulder. i think he's attractive. i slowly stroke his leg. i make a pun on what they're saying/singing, "yeah, he's a hunk!"...

i am living in apartments where Darlene Peyton is also, we meet each other on the steps and talk. it is good. we leave together. we are at a trash dump, i see a lot of unusual feminist newsletter/magazines. but as i go through them, they change. we leave with nothing. riding my trike/bike together. Darlene says she cannot wait till we get where we can make love. i agree. night and rainy/snowy streets.

i and my partner are waiting, hidden, outside a man's home. see him walk outside. it is night, very dark. we are having trouble with our suits so we are worried the job won't go right. we decide to leave. i start up the horse, and we go up the trail. we are on a wagon the horse is pulling. i notice the horse has many cuts and bloody oozing spots on it. one hoof is almost all disintegrated, so i get the burden off the horse and walk, leading it. my partner asks why stop? and i point out the horse's problem.

i am in a bar. i am an outlaw. a man shoots me many times, but i do not die.

that one time sandi had a bad day*

Feeling so depressed here at work this evening. Wasn't like this at home at all. Thank goodness for our special regular customers!! In telling two of them (separately) about how i am feeling, they each said, "Cookies!!!" Good, sound advice.

* people are always saying that i am always happy and that they have NEVER seen me have a "bad day"

I almost got sentimental about Stephen/Crafted. there for one minute. NO. Men are NOT worth my time. Twice burned with that one. What the fuck do I have to GET emotional about except the LOCATION COOLNESS FACTOR??? What a fucking waste of my energy.

musing about all the things plus dream piece/theme

Having a voice. Being able to converse with people, perhaps even hold my own in a debate situation.Being able to use my vocabulary. Being able to write about something, anything, everything. Trusting my voice. Wanting to be heard. (Not needing -plus, i have always been a good listener) All of this is something i have not had a full grasp on for quite a while now, and is something that i truly need to regain. I attribute a lot of this to my past relationship with Chuck. I can never forget the time he told me that he could not listen to me for more than 5 minutes, and how he would always tell me that my outlook was "wrong" when we were discussing something. So, i stopped talking. Then even at the bus stop trying to talk with Jess about things only to have her frown at me as i struggled to find the words with which to express myself. I realize that the "frown" is some people's "listening face", but it can be intimidating for me.Tina @Lowe's had that face as well. And, there is an entire other level of this self-confidence problem: how devastated i was after the lay-off from Shoppe's. How humiliating it was to work at Lowe's. ("Is this your first job?" - patronizingly said by a co-worker) How can i overcome this? Maybe try writing on Goodreads about the books i finish. An actual review! I will need to get past the "who cares what i think" mindset. Maybe I could care how i think!!!

I am concerned about my Rhiannon. She has seemed a lot "older" this past week. She has not woken up from her spot on the porch since i got home from work tonight. So, no "Frosty Paws" yet! I will let her sleep. I love my girl so much.

She woke up a few hours later and found the treat i had left in her bowl. I heard her as i was falling off to sleep. She came in and checked on me, then went back out to the porch. Love my girl.

I had a very complex wild character-laden dream which i could not recall fully enough to write down. It would make a great sci-fi/cyber punk/urban fantasy type book, i am sure! As i was falling back asleep (after having gotten up to tinkle) i was hoping to return to the Dream so that i could hang out some more with my Sweet One some more.

musings...

Well - that time is NOW, and last night was a true test. Three (work) mistakes in 24 hours had my self-confidence way down and my fear way up high. I could NOT sleep. But, even though i thought about it a few times, no beer (emotional band-aid).

musings...

Thank you, bell hooks, for helping me so deeply with your perceptive,clear,honest writing. Underscoring some of the thoughts and ideas that i have had of late. Begun with a statement by Kay, now followed through and expanded by Rock My Soul and Bone Black. While not fully and addict-type personality, i do know that i have used my love of good beer as a solace. As a way to ease the pain of life. And currently that is a financial burden for me. As i am (hopefully) through the worst of my financial struggle since getting laid off (10/07/2010), i need to make it to the next step, which is getting rid of the credit card debt that carried me through the rough time of 2010 to now. So, i must make another sacrifice. From 2010 to 2014 it was my time and sleep. Now, i must scale back my "pleasure" spending. That translates to my $10 a day beer habit! hahaaaaa! I will only buy beer on Thursdays & Fridays. Those will be my "play" days. I will also adjust my sleep patterns so i am not staying up till 3 a.m. after work! By going to sleep earlier (say, 1:30) i will be able to get more done during the daylight hours. Not having a few beers each night after work will help me make this adjustment, because having a beer makes me want to party, and often stay up way too late. These changes will help me restore a sense of efficiency. I feel scared and incapable right now. This is all a holdover from the getting laid-off panic, which i am still working to recover from/move through/heal...

     "When the possibility of self  control becomes as attractive - more attractive- than any other possibility, including temporary relief."   -Marc Lewis

dream...

i am visiting Lorraine (totally different house)and she shuns me quite harshly -it hurts so badly- i am crying, but she does not care...she orders me to leave, will have nothing more to do with me...as i continue to implore, to find out WHY, finally the truth comes out -that she is dying of cancer and wants to spare me the pain of that, of losing her to a death from cancer...she tells me that while she is reclining, and i can see that she is in bad shape, ravaged by the cancer...but i am allowed to stay, to continue to be with her, to give her my loving friendship, so i know that we will be together, and that feels very good

poem...

texture/emotion
rain bright
asphalt
shadow
moving
dancing
the song of
night

visiting Poet: d3rek

split wide open
down the middle
cherry blossom
wrinkled symbol

..once again we never meet
again
..instead

..now we're laying naked
holding hands
and we keep playing until we understand


..
it's just something that we can't
describe

i know we're coming loose
we have these things to choose
there's nothing left to do
there's nothing left to prove

stand on air with our hands on
fire
we come together to be ripped
apart

a partial loss this disease
of time
this is sounding the same..

..
this is the..that we can't deny

stand on air with our hands
untied
we've been coming for years
and never felt
this alive

..i know why you wanted me
..
..

i see you look at me
..

.....
the closer we get we feel our
pulses as complements

.......
.........
ageless phase on our faceless
changeless
stainless pages that always
rearrange us
..
....
....
we have no idea what any of this
really means
she swallows
me whole as i rip her seams

why can't we be this way
forever?
caught in your gaze i fade away
this is a dream we won't
remember
but it seems so amazing
even as it changes forever
slip between her patiently
as we come together in total
release
before we leave we become
what we believe

musings at work (Crafted.)

Miss fluffy/Midnight Blue salvia/warm, and blue skies/trying too hard/not connected enough; or, disconnected/where is the center? (Evergreen Center!!!)

Residual weirdness from the creepy "food writer" who tried to hit on me and say he wasn't and the scrubby "scrap metal" guy. I didn't bring my book because i thought i was going to have a delivery to put away! That will arrive tomorrow, i found out. So, i suddenly remember that i know how to write!

I am thinking about how enjoyable yesterday was in the garden. All day, until time to go to work! i am wishing that i could do it again today...ah well. It is a good day none-the-less. I would really like to have a stout, though!!! Haahahaaaa...

dream...

Carlos and his oldest son are here for his birthday event.