depressed in my dreams...depressed all day - mildly functional, though...what is the point of it all? there is joy, but there is self-loathing...

After Work Walk With Rhiannon

rain rivulets washing washing
tides of
moving moving
we keep stride beside
we walk
and smell and breathe as we walk
as the rain falls sounding shining centering

dream pieces

i am looking for a particular place, and my co-worker Khoshal will help me, we are walking with another co-worker...i realize that i know the place, so we just walk together until Khoshal turns down a worn path. i jog over to him to see what is up, he says that he is going back, and i realize that his 15 minute break is over. so we hug, and off he goes.

dream pieces

i am in a car with some acquaintances and we are driving on Rt. 234 in Manassas down by and past the Mall ...

i am at work and two people who might be co-workers forbid me to consume any alcohol in my personal time whatsoever. they are strange/shady characters, i am trying to discuss this with them. one of them keeps insinuating that my job performance is low, and that i have done something wrong, like stealing or such. it is very strange, because she keeps sidling off and not really telling me what she means, or what the issue is, won't look me directly in the eyes...then i realize that it is past time to close the store, so i go to lock the doors, and have a difficult time with that. the customers just keep on coming in, no matter what i do or say...

cartoon dream

i dream a new "Rugrats" cartoon episode...one of the characters is named "Septum", and he does have his septum pierced...it is all very vivid and colorful and very entertaining...

dream

i am in bed and i hear a truck in the driveway...as i look out the window, i see a white construction truck that is attempting to back up so as to leave...they get close to my car and then stop, so i go outside to tell them that they have plenty of room...they are unsure, so i offer to move my car to make it easier for them, so i grab my keys and half-way toss on a t-shirt...as i hurry out front, i notice that it as lightly snowed, and my car is not in the same spot as it was moments before...i back onto the carport, and then as i am moving the car a little to straighten it out, the truck is trying to leave, so i just leave it parked as it is...then as i watch there are white construction vans and other trucks all over the yard, each either leaving or parked around, all of them with different company logos on the side...

My Mom Is Famous

a customer, whom i recognized as a regular, came up to me today as i was hanging tags in aisle #12 and asked, haltingly, if i was related to Betty Worthen. she said with a big smile, that i just look so much like her!! that she had been wanting to ask me. i told her i am glad that she did. and as we are talking, who comes walking up then but Karen Bonita. YES!!! life...

a dream...which becomes Lucid

i approach a door to an apartment building/townhouse, and as i pull it open with my left hand, my elbow bumps into an older white man's abdomen (Mr. Latham) which startles me somewhat as i did not know that he was there, standing so close to me. i step back and say, "shit!". he just gives me a look. i go on inside and get on the elevator, hoping he does not follow me. but i punch the 2nd floor by accident, and come out to an apartment which i think must be his because i notice a strong smell of Ben-Gay lotion. i immediately turn and head for the stairs, figuring that since he is moving slowly, i probably will not encounter him again. once i get back down to ground level, i try going in through another door, but it is still not where i am trying to go. the buildings are old, crumbly and i try another door. when i get inside this place, everything is suddenly quite bright, even though very old and dusty. i realize that i am dreaming (!) as i shut the door. i realize that i am LUCID DREAMING! i am very excited by this, and the first thing i think is that i cannot wait to tell Kay! so, just to be certain, i bring my hands up to look at them. i am wearing black gloves. i ascend the steps, looking at everything in this intense light, noticing every detail...

dream...

i am in Mom's room with a friend, and notice that the ceiling is leaking, rainwater dripping into a small bucket that Mom has set there. i wonder why she did not tell me about this...i go to get another bucket, and as i open the utility room door, there is more water pouring out of a pipe in there...i tell my friend to come here and look at this! then i get a larger bucket to catch that water, and try to figure out what to do to fix the situation...

my friend & i are in Mom's room on the bed, talking and holding each other and i am wondering just how this is going to work out...it feels odd, but good to be close with him

the tiniest dream piece ever

i am comfortably reclined in a lawn chair talking with someone...as we talk, she looks at my out-stretched legs and i think that she is noticing that i do not shave 

Not Sure How To Feel About THis

My best friend said, "I am not good company now, lol." and declined my invitation to come over to the house.

My daughter gets a pained look on their face every time I walk up to them to speak.

My dog jumped up and ran into the other room when I got close to her.

dream

i am at Steph's house/work, and she has had too much to drink and thrown up all over the place...chunky, with visible chickpeas and pasta, etc. 

i walk in the door of my house, and then into the bathroom. there is throw up all over the bathroom, sink, toilet, etc. and towels here and there. it is a total mess. i walk into the kitchen and say to the person there, "Steph must be here." and as i speak, i hear a laugh/giggle from the living room. there she is laid back on the sofa with her feet up. there is puke in the kitchen too. i am so angry, she has not made a move to clean any of this up. i think, she can just go back to her own house.

dream segments

• i am in a building, (maybe work?) and walking from one room to another when i hear the door open and Alex's (Uncle Kronos) voice behind me. i turn, hollering "Alex!!" and go hug & greet him. we enjoy talking...
• i am at an event, walking over to put a large pan/bowl back at the stall...i have on no pants & am not concerned about this...i stumble as i walk and laugh at my clumsiness and leg fat wiggle...i put on a pair of board shorts and am made uncomfortable by the feel of the wet cloth on my skin so i decide to go to the pool and have a swim to feel better...
• i am back working at Crown Books as the manager, i am walking around the store...in many areas there is art hanging, and informational posters instead of bookshelves...i am saddened and disturbed by this as i make my way around the store. i introduce myself to one of the employees, he seems genuinely happy to meet me. i go up front and get on register as a small line has formed. have a bit of trouble getting the register to work, but the family is pleasant about it, we share a laugh. they are exchanging one book which was defective, and buying one other picture book for their child.
• i am at a hospital and go into the children's ward to relax. there was a lot of negative stuff happening elsewhere, and i needed to chill out. playing on a rolling chair...i help one of the nurses with a child named little georgie who did not want to come in to the ward. i hugged him and spoke with him, and it was all right...

the dreaming

D3rek texts me, saying that we should get a roll of paper and some pens and do a NaNoWriMo together. i whole-heartedly agree.

dream segments

• broken fence section at gate...cohabitor says there have been three phone calls...Rhiannon is loose/out...look for leash clumsily (asleep??)...hear voices, go outside, here comes a woman and her son with Rhiannon...we are in the front yard, the mom talks about the moss on the stump of an oak tree
• making friends with a woman and her three beautiful little girls, all with curly hair...store parking lot, working on/fixing something on my car...end up holding the woman so very close as we part/say goodbye --- later, walking through urban neighborhood, see her and the girls and lots of other people ---then, we move into a townhouse together, just as quickly, she is Chuck, but a tall older female version, and says something abusive to me, so i break up with her immediately. she moves out, back to her house, we do part nicely, i tell her i love her three girls
• driving on Rt. 15 at the Rt. 55 intersection i see Rhiannon walking on the side of the road, i open the car door and call her, she has recognized my car and jumps in. she is wet, and has some cuts on her side, but is happy to see me...i go visit Maxie and tell him about all of this, we go get some beer and party --- trying to collect all the empty beer bottles from the party to recycle, the setting is a store right by the side of the road
• go in a country store, patois spoken by the patrons there...i need to pee, the restroom is public, little more than a screened off bucket, really...a man watches and comments about me the entire time i urinate. i have a lot of urine and it feels very good when i am done
• make friends with a woman, we have a very stimulating discussion about adventure --- later, at the side of the road with another friend, this woman pulls up in her vehicle and shows me/us a pamphlet about some very interesting land for sale in the south of Florida, at the very end of the state...watching out for traffic so she doesn't get hit by other cars, as she has not pull off the road
• there is an event at the pool/clubhouse area that i am attending...as it is about to begin, i run back to the house to get something out of my car which i had forgotten...i cue some music, and see Cindi K. through the kitchen window, singing along to the T Rex song playing...we kind of wink at each other as i run back to the event...another song then plays 

poem

swimming through deep
                water
with many draglines
attached
(kicking through turbulence)
floating through/and floating over
bold arm strokes/i am
surging ahead
hoping none of these
things
pull me under
pull me
 to the bottom

small pieces of dreaming

• 3 or 4 women playing guitar, singing, from different bands/musical collectives...showing each other technique and songs and playing styles...i am close, listening/observing/longing...i wish to be a part of this joyfulness
• a large cat, with a leash around its middle, is playing with me...we are leaping and chasing and then lying in the grass next to a building which is either demolished or new construction
• Harry S. wins $40 million on a lottery type mechanized game
• also trying out strategies for lottery winning are a newly made friend and i...she is lovely and has been part of two other dreaming sequences: in one she is singing with a beautiful voice, soprano/alto register, in another she is at the grocery store in my line as i ring up her groceries we are joking and becoming closer, becoming friends

plans to dream & live

One of the benefits I have hoped to achieve from not working ALL THE TIME is dreaming well (by sleeping again) and recalling that dreaming vividly, and thus being able to write the dreaming. So far I am sleeping, and the dreamstate is rich, but I have not moved back into the writing aspect. Having just read this quote; "The novelist Mary Lee Settle tumbles out of bed and heads straight for her typewriter, before the dream state disappears." (Diane Ackerman A Natural History Of The Senses), I am inspired to revisit my desired benefit, and revamp my habits. I know that I have been allowing myself to heal from those four years of hard work, so have not tried to structure my time in any sort of fashion. But I have slid into the staying up very late, and sleeping very late mode. Now that less daylight is with us as the Season changes, I feel it might be a good time to gently put myself into a different sleep pattern so as to take advantage of what daylight is available. Thus being more productive, and ward off any seasonal depression that might show up.                                                                                                                                                                 

recurring dream theme & location

there is a gathering/festival/happening  all along Logmill Road and down to Route 15...i see Joanie there, and help her when walking back because it gets quite steep...
                      
                   AND THIS ALSO:

i hear the UPS delivery van drive up to the house...i go find the envelope that i need to send with them, but the worker hands it back to me and says it must be mailed...

at work running the register...

just out of reach

i remember dreaming, but not WHAT i dreamt.

visual poem

lollipop wrappers in the rain
            like mini condoms

dream

i am at work at Giant, trying to find a register to ring up a customer, the store has been closed, and nobody told me

plumbing issues

loud splash in the middle of the night awakens me
and i know it for a cat falling into the tub
where the water is slowly, slowly draining
i go back to sleep
and my dreaming picks up the theme;
Tille walks out of the bathroom at the store, 
trying to dry off after having fallen
in the water. I cry out, "oh no, girl! now what happened?"

left turn

even when sitting in a vehicle
waiting for the traffic light's change to green
there is beauty come unexpected, and delightful
sunlight glints on petals wind-rolled, dancing
through the intersection

"Witty Repartee"

pithy statements
double entendre
rapid punnetry
sexual innuendo
delicious sarcasm

EXHAUSTION

Remember to hide inside myself as i try to make it through this work day here. Negativity everywhere. Mantra must be "don't care", don't get sucked into it. I am exhausted, done with this. Tired of people telling me how to do my job, tired of being treated like i am stupid. Tired of always working, tired of working here at Lowe's.

observation at work

There is a very clear delineation between the good people and the outright assholes today.

a Book & many Beers...

Titus Groan by Mervyn Peake, a re-read for me, last read in 1975. The libations: "Falco" from Evil Twin Brewing, "Mosaic" from Terrapin Beer Company and "Weez" from the Maine Beer Company.

#gardencenter

the setting Moon fades
 in the Western sky
paled out
by the light of the
Vernal Equinox
morning

best vehicle license plates ever

GAY NERD

Utopia

During one of my high school English Lit classes, the teacher assigned us a paper detailing our concept of a Utopian Society. Mine was the ONLY one in the entire class that did not involve a police state of some sort. I was laughed at in the class.

dream

I am walking down a neighborhood street, and as i am about to cross over a larger street, i hear Lorraine calling out to me. i turn to look at her, and begin to walk toward her when she tells me to look out. a white van is pulling into the intersection right at me. i move over, and as he (white male) drives past me he says something derogatory. i just snort a laugh and walk over to Lorraine. we are greeting each other in the middle of the road, so we walk together up the sidewalk and across the road to the other side of the street. she wants to show me her place. when we get there, she shows me the landscaping setup she has done at the sidewalk. it's very cute! she has named one of her plants (a female name) and introduces me. a neighbor and her son walk by on the sidewalk, and we laugh, introducing them to the plant. as we move aside to allow them to pass, the plant gets jostled, and as we reset the plant in it's place we joke about that.

ponder this

DONUT IS A CHAMELEON IN PINK CAMO

KEY WORDS

beautiful morning/sunrise...inspired and excited about being off from work Wednesday and Thursday...also anxious about bank account...

beautiful dream, memory mostly lost

i am swimming with Rhiannon

success!

dodged all of yesterday's snow-filled potholes
hour and a half late for work

BOOKS READ - 2013

• The Big Cat Nap by Rita Mae Brown, 2012
• Game Of Thrones by George R.R. Martin, 1996
• A Clash Of Kings by George R.R. Martin, 1999
• A Storm Of Swords by George R.R. Martin, 2000
• A Feast For Crows by George R. R. Martin, 2005
• A Dance With Dragons by George R. R. Martin, 2011
• NOS4A2 by Joe Hill, 2013
• MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood, 2013
• 11/22/63 by Stephen King, 2011
• The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman, 2013
• Bleeding Edge by Thomas Pynchon, 2013

CRAFT BEER 2013

• Double Black Lightning – DuClaw Brewing Company, Abingdon MD
• X-1 (Imperial Chocolate Rye Porter) -DuClaw
• Cappuccino Stout – Lagunitas Brewing Co., Petaluma CA
• 75 Minute IPA – Dogfish Head...
• Really Old Brown Dog Ale – Smuttynose Brewing Co., Portsmouth NH
• Vertical Epic 12.12.12 – Stone Brewing Company, Escondido CA
• New Albion Ale – New Albion Brewing Company, Boston MA (with Sam Adams)
• Alpine Spring – Sam Adams...
• OREgasmic Ale – Cahtoe Rogue (Ales), Newport OR
• Abbey Ale – Abita Brewing Company, Abita Springs LA
• “FM 966” Farmhouse Ale – Shiner Brewery, Shiner TX
• Conway's Irish Ale – Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland OH
• Hop Manna IPA – Shmaltz Brewing Company, Saratoga Springs NY
• Robert Johnson's Hellhound On My Ale – Dogfish Head...
• Blue Paddle pilsener - New Belgium...
• duganA IPA - Avery Brewing, Boulder CO
• So Fresh & So Green, Green – Terrapin Beer Co., Athens GA
• O'Ryely IPA – Widmer Brothers, Portland OR
• 4059' – Saranac...
• White IPA – Saranac...
• Black Bear Bock – Saranac...
• Chocolate Lager – Saranac...
• Nelson Imperial Ale – Widmer …
• Hoppy Bock – New Belgium...
• Red Caboose Ale – Rumspinga Brewing Company, Bird-In-Hand PA
• Red IPA – Saranac...
• The Congo – Devil's Backbone Brewing Company, Lexington VA
• Kilt Flasher – Devil's Backbone...
• White Lantern – Samuel Adams...
• Double Agent IPL – Samuel Adams...
• Cherry Blossom Lager – Old Dominion Brewing Company, Dover DE
• Grateful Pale Ale – Starr Hill Brewery, Crozet VA
• Northern Lights - Starr Hill
• Rolle Bolle – New Belgium
• 2X IPA - Southern Tier Brewing Company, Lakewood NY
• Pistil – Magic Hat...
• Elder Betty – Magic Hat...
• Summer Session Ale – Evolution Craft Brewing Company, Salisbury MD
• Citra Blonde – Widmer Bros...
• Schwartz Bier – Devil's Backbone...
• Turbo Cougar – Devil's Backbone...
• “Rampant” Imperial IPA – New Belgium...
• 2013 Southern Hemishpere Fresh Hop Ale – Sierra Nevada...
• Lucky 13 – Lagunitas...
• Area 151 – Wild Wolf Brewing Co., Nellysford VA
• Paardebloem – New Belgium...w/ Red Rock Brewery, Salt Lake City UT
• Pluot (Lips of Faith Series) – New Belgium...
• Stony Brook Red – Sam Adams...
• Maple Pecan Porter - Sam Adams....
• Pumpkick – New Belgium...
• Ichabod Crandall – Devil's Backbone...
• Hoptimization- 3 Brothers Brewing, Harrisonburg VA
• Mad Bishop – DuClaw...
• Oktoberfest – Great Lakes Brewing...
• Downright Pilsner – Port City Brewing Company, Alexandria VA
• The Corruption IPA – DC Brau Brewing, D.C.
• Monkeynaught IPA – Straight To Ale, Huntsville AL
• Morning Glory espresso stout - Old Dominion Brewing, Dover DE
• Shiner Black Lager – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Prickly Pear – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Wild hare pale ale – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Kosmos – Spoetzl...
• The Great Outdoors - Virginia pale ale - 3 Brothers......
• Irish Style Lager – Rogue...
• Pumking – Southern Tier...
• Secret Stash Harvest Ale – Flying Dog Brewery, Frederick MD
• Fall Hornin' – Anderson Vally Brewing, Boonville CA
• Out of Your Gourd Pumpkin Porter – Redhook Brewery, WA/NH/OR
• Séance – Magic Hat...
• Pumpkin Ale – Saranac...
• Flipside Red IPA – Sierra Nevada...
• Pumpkinfest – Terrapin...
• Pumpkinhead – Shipyard Brewing Co., Portland ME
• Postroad Pumpkin Ale – Brookly Brewery, Utica NY
• Harvest Ale – Goose Island Beer Co., Baldwinsville NY
• OKTO Festival Ale – Widmer Brothers...
• Giddy Up! - New Belgium...
• Pumpkin UFO – Harpoon Brewery, MA/VT
• El Mole Ocho – New Holland Brewing, Holland MI
• Sixth Day – Goose Island Beer, Chicago IL
• Accumulation – New Belgium...
• Dark Abby – Devil's Backbone...
• Snowblind Doppelbock – Starr Hill...
• Secret Spot Winter Ale – Evolution Craft Brewing, Salisbury MD
• Brrr – Widmer Brothers...
• Juniper Ale – Sam Adams...
• Cherry Chocolate Bock – Sam Adams...
• G-Thing – Magic Hat...
• Moo-Hoo 2013 – Terrapin...
• Winter Solstice Season Ale – Anderson Valley...
• Reunion Ale '13 – Terrapin & Shmaltz...
• Sweet Baby Jesus! - DuClaw...
• krampus Imperial Helles Lager – Southern Tier...
• Monticello Reserve Ale – Starr Hill...

dreams

neil young is playing a concert in a small venue which feels like my living room...pegi is there, in odd clothes...during one song, neil & i start dancing together, and i am awed at the fact that i am DANCING WITH NEIL YOUNG!!! 

i am troubleshooting things everywhere i go...many situations, many different places, many different people involved...but in each scenario, i fix whatever is wrong...

dream piece

melian and i are in a townhouse development, walking past the home where Lorraine lives...i say that's her house, and then she walks out of it down the sidewalk! i say look! there she is!...then i walk right up to her and say hello...she just looks at me, then mutters a hello, she seems to shy away from direct eye contact as for a few moments it seems there is something wrong with her face, i catch a shifting glimpse of three eyes where there should be one, and then that is gone...she is dressed in sweat pants and a baggy shirt...later she comes out of the house in her work clothes; a fast-food uniform of some sort

rain soaked leaf
releases
its tannins
onto concrete/as
atom bomb victims
leave
powder shadow photographs
of death

rough concepts

phases of moon
cycle of seasons
i am standing still
even as i am moving forward
soon will come the time when
time
means nothing to me

i am the universe expanding
at a rate
previously unknown

i am/full
to overflowing
with the [inter]connected-ness
of it all

thinking of one thing
leads to three more/and back around

step in here, and the current takes me
there/and back
around

who cannot sense the gestalt?
who cannot see the bigger picture?
the repercussions?                        
the impact?

bees
water
war

i am angry. i am afraid.

breathe deep
hold the negativity at bay
remember to find center
                    find ground
too much right now it's just/too much
catch the few glimmers of hope/joy/
                                       positivity
 let them shine/illuminate
the path to growth and be-ing

craving the ability to do something that i want to do when i want to do it, not have to put it off into some vague time in the future...REGAIN SPONTANEITY

systematically eliminating
financial burdens [will]
open new vistas of
possibility and
experience

come the healing
move through and
then beyond
the fear

More Beers with the same Book

Abita's "Abbey Ale", Avery Brewing's "duganA", Terrapin's "So Fresh & So Green,Green" and He'Brew's "Hop Manna IPA" all helped me read Game Of Thrones. Now ready for A Clash Of Kings.

Guest Blogger: Melian Moonstar's Dream

mom & i went to a huge grocery store and we had a cart and there was a big stage where Adam Duritz was performing...mom waved & said "hi" to him, and he started playing for her...he played the song that goes on about how nobody loves him...we went on shopping and then we sat at the cafe where the band was playing...i made a sandwich as Adam played, mom was screaming the whole time...i was calm, just making my sandwich...i am just smiling and making my sandwich...mom is screaming and adam is playing just for her...

showering thoughts

i want to paint the patterns
that appear
from behind my pressed
eyelids

writing while driving

fear is not necessary
a calm focus/ a sense of purpose
doing the best that i can/let go of negativity
i am moving out of the stress
re-establishing self esteem

stop the romance already-NO PROFIT
throw the I Ching
stand tall and proud-YOGA

a reminding poem (love Rhiannon)

fear is not necessary
a calm focus/sense of purpose
i'm doing the best i can/let go of negativity
i am moving out of the stress
re-establishing self-esteem

stop the Romance - no profit
throw the I Ching
stand tall and proud/ a yogi

Two Beers & A Book

Finally reading Game Of Thrones by George R. R. Martin after all this time! This first volume was published in 1996. The reading is going slowly due to my ridiculous work schedule, but these two DuClaw brews certainly make it smooth. "Double Black Lightning"; an American black ale, and "X-1" which is an Imperial chocolate porter. Brewery located in Abingdon, MD.

poem

and this is why i drove home
this way
this 
wedge of geese
flying from the open sky on the left
across the black tree limb sky
on the right, and on
on and on

Guest Blogger: Kay's Dream

Sandi and I were shopping for Christmas gifts for each other when we happened upon a shop in Manassas that was full of occult items. Things from different religions and cultures were everywhere. We fit right in there. There were colored feather necklaces that invoked the things you wanted in life and statues and medicinal herbs everywhere.

Books Read 2012

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn
Why Animals Matter by Erin Williams & Margo DeMello, 2007
Sea Of Slaughter by Farley Mowat, 1984
The Walking Dead: Volume 1,2,3 & 4
The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, 2005
The Girl Who Played With Fire by Steig Larsson, 2006
Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, 1993
How I Learned To Snap by Kirk Read, 2005
Valencia by Michelle Tea, 2000
Solstice by Joyce Carol Oates, 1985
A Mask For The General by Lisa Goldstein, 1987
The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, 1968 (re-read)
Un Lun Dun by China Mieville, 2007
Waging Heavy Peace by Neil Young, 2012
The Wolf Gift by Anne Rice, 2012
Embassytown by China Mieville, 2011
Railsea by China Mieville, 2012
Under Wildwood by Colin Meloy, 2012
The Dirty Streets of Heaven by Tad Williams, 2012
The Wind Through The Keyhole by Stephen King, 2012

Craft Brew 2012

• Tavern Porter – Yards Brewing Co., Philadelphia PA
• Coconut Porter – Maui Brewing Co., Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii
• Dig – New Belgium Brewing, Fort Collins CO
• Black Cannon – Heavy Seas...
• Somersault – New Belgium...
• Summer Love – Victory Brewing Company, Downington PA
• Titan IPA – Great Divide Brewing Company, Denver CO
• Eight Point IPA - Devil's Backbone Brewing Company, Lexington VA
• Imperial Red Ale – Lagunitas Brewing Company, Petaluma CA
• 1554 – New Belgium...
• Amber – Full Sail Brewing, Hood River OR
• Pale Ale – Full Sail...
• Ruby Redbird – Spoetzl Brewery, Shiner TX
• Bock Beer – D.G. Yuengling & Son Inc., Pottsville PA
• Azrael – Devil's Backbone...
• Shaddock IPA – Widmer Brothers Brewing, Portland OR
• Raspberry Wheat – Shock Top Brewing, St. Louis MO
• End Of The World Midnight Wheat – Shock Top...
• Pumpkin Wheat – Shock Top...
• “Boxcar” Pumpkin Porter – Starr Hill Brewery, Crozet VA
• Breakfast Stout – Founder's Brewing Company, Grand Rapids MI
• Centennial IPA – Founder's...
• “Grateful Harvest” Cranberry Ale – Harpoon Brewery, Boston MA
• Heart Of Darkness Stout – Magic Hat Brewing Company, South Burlington VT
• “Old Rasputin” Double Imperial Stout – North Coast Brewing Company, Fort Bragg CA
• “Small Batch 471” IPA – Breckenridge Brewery, Denver CO
• “Tasman Red” IPA – Sam Adams...
• “Dark Depths” Baltic IPA – Sam Adams...
• “Third Voyage” Double IPA – Sam Adams...
• “Grumpy Monk” Belgian IPA – Sam Adams...
• Whitewater IPA – Sam Adams...
• Imperial Series Double Bock – Sam Adams...
• Schlafly Tripel Ale – The Saint Louis Brewery, St. Louis MO
• Double IPA - The Long Trail Brewing Co., Bridgewater Corners VT
• Striped Bass Pale Ale – Devil's Backbone...
• Baltic Porter – Smuttynose Brewing Company, Portsmouth NH
• Merry Mischief – Sam Adams...
• Vertical Epic 12.12.12 – Stone Brewing Co., Escondido CA
• Resin - Sixpoint Brewery, Brooklyn NY
• Brown Shugga' – Lagunitas...
• Belgo – New Belgium...
• Red Hoptober- New Belgium...
• Oaked Big Hoppy Monster – Terrapin...
• Winter Storm – Heavy Seas..
• Winter Ale – Smuttynose...
• 2012 Christmas Ale – Goose Island Beer Co., Chicago IL
• Tidings – Port City...
• Generous Ale – Guinness...
• Kujo: Imperial Coffee Stout - Flying Dog...
• Optimal Wit - Port City...

notes

must remember to write poems and
feed the hedgehog
and
yoga will put me back
on the path
to true centeredness

dream piece

i am on a slow motorized vehicle (much like a store mart-cart) and going down a road/trail...i drive into a tunnel when i hear a loud pick-up truck coming up behind me on the road...i am concerned, as it is the redneck guys i passed by earlier...as i begin to decide on how to fight or flee, they crash right into the entrance to the cave...great! this buys me some time to get away...back onto the vehicle, and off i go down the tunnel, slowly...i realize that Chuck (ex) is with the redneck guys, they appear to be drunk...later, i am home, and looking around at the mess; empty beer cans and other debris...it is the next morning, and Chuck has not left for work, he is still in bed; quite odd...

M. Dove & the Grey Dress

perfect warm December night
makes me think of
perfect warm January
nights makes me think of
the poem about that
the poem
makes me think of
Mark Dove
on such
a January night
walking up the mountain together
teasing & romancing

shattered windshield

excellent conversation and fine
craft beer
the getting to know you &
the kisses
all ending with a crash/
into the light post
if you could not see
that, then i know
the sex would not have been
any good-
on my bruised knee
i walked away

vultures
perched on
hay bales,
one soaring
circles-
a
tableau /beneath the
classic coloration
of the
heavily clouded sky

poem

there is dust in my coffee and is it too much to ask
for affection
for playful attention
 random communication
i ask now
before the dust settles into my
heart

dream segment featuring _+_

derek has come to visit, bringing a new animal companion which was given to kaela by a friend of hers...the small animal is in a cage, looks like a cross between a hamster and a ferret...i take it out of the cage to play, and it escapes! it runs across the room into a corner, through a bunch of dust bunnies, then under the dresser...i try to catch it, but it's quick...i am thinking that it will be impossible to find! i try not to stress about it, even though i must leave for work...later, when i am back home, i am in the room looking for the animal and find that my cats have caught it, and are eating it...there are also a large quantity of kittens that i did not know i had there...over a dozen! i see a quick movement in my peripheral vision, and reach to catch the animal, thinking/hoping that just maybe it might be the one, but when i look, it is one of my cats that i have caught (tyga), and i realize that the worst has indeed happened to the new pet...

Beer & a Book

This book was given to me by a Garden Center customer that I had only just met. After she and her Mom had come through my line, she came back about an hour later and brought this to me, saying that I reminded her of one of the characters. She said the book was well-traveled, and hoped that I enjoyed it. It came from Pikes Peak Library (stamped out of circulation) in Colorado Springs, CO...will register on Bookcrossing.com

This is "Azrael". A Belgian inspired Golden Ale from Devil's Backbone Brewing Company in Lexington, VA

Beer and a Book

Spam Poetry

Kerouac blank Sandi lavatories

assassins banana wigs unidirectionally Sandi mundanely tuber hoisting juxtaposing cartoon currencies
displacements superlative decolletage Monoceros Southern Macintosh Persian sublanguages
Anabaptists tangenital

reeling

that burning sound
you hear
is the smell
of my
mind
readjusting
refocusing
refining

dream segments...

i am looking through the refridgerator for something to eat...there is a lot of food there that i have recently gotten for free, and i wonder how come no one has eaten any of it...so much is in there going to spoil...as i move packages around, some break open, and i become more & more frustrated as i try to clean the spills up and put together food for me...my father is there, and notes my growing concern, he tells me to go ahead and voice my frustration, so i do...as i am telling him all of it (because it is not only about the food/fridge issue) he just says something lame and unfeeling and walks away...i think about how angry i am that i let myself be fooled into opening up to him on that emotional level...

i am in my room watching a football game on TV, and doing something else...one of the players makes an amazing play, and i exclaim out loud about it...my father walks out of his bedroom into the hallway...i ask him if he saw that play...he says "yeah" and walks back into his room...

a young male friend comes over, and we are talking about all types of things as i am getting ready for work...a good time...he says he has something very important to talk with me about, regarding my hectic work schedule, and our relationship...i want to talk now, but must leave for work, i tell him to come back after i get off at midnight, but he is not sure that he can...we hold hands walking down the driveway...

i am just relaxing, hanging out and notice that it is 6 o'clock! i was supposed to be at work at 5p.m. i go into panic mode, grab my phone from where it had been on the counter, but it is not my phone! it belongs to one of the guys who was over earlier! i try to use it to call the store and let them know that i am late, but i cannot figure out how to work it, i get into the photos instead...keep trying, then think just maybe i won't go...what to do?

red diesel Ford

i want to see you drive by
i want to see your face, peeking from
          behind the majestic palms
i want to see
just how much it hurts
stab me slowly
beneath the heart
the jagged knife
i will listen to Nirvana
as i bleed

No Avail

all of my silent pleading
all of the yearning of my
heavy heart

random thoughts & recent notes

• when i am depressed i don't feel real
• fear causes inaction
• when "you're a good person" actually means "goodbye" 
• i am NOT going to stare longingly out of this gate today, no way
• thinking about how i am not thinking about him is making me think about him
• i don't want to go back to feeling like "what's the use? i am close to death anyway"...
• something i am smelling here today reminds me of the beach, and it is filling me with longing 
• in the back of my mind, in my heart, i still maintain hope for us. and this is wrong, so wrong... 
• all of the time & energy i spent this past Spring & early Summer trying to connect, trying to get laid was a massive wasted effort with no results...i could have spent that time gardening...Epic Fail!!!
• i don't miss Chuck at all, and we were together for 8 years...i miss Gordon like crazy, and we only "had" one month...
• everything is changing inside my head

no intimate love

when you tell me that nobody cares, nobody loves you
and i say yes! yes they do! there's this and that, all these people ask me about you
and you say "they don't matter"
that's when i need to be silent
because
you're right
i know exactly what you mean...
i have written about this before...
deep down inside,
it is true

chimes of course

hawk feathered cloud
disseminates over waning
moon/light caught and scattered
broken glass
spinning/screech owl calls
and deep wood
responds

breakthrough

you were not
the first thing that i thought of
upon awakening
this morning
and later
      in the day
i moved past
negativity
with the realization that no matter what
you did,
some hearts were going to be
crushed

awareness

early morning, driving
rollings hills/farmland
sun shining golden
on the green soybean fields

movement
slow road with
acoustic guitar
my life is
a
movie/right now
the soundtrack by
the Avett Brothers

travel, music & art

you don't know how i wanted to shine for you. how your encouragement brought out the very best in me. how huge the potential for us was, how much we could have accomplished together. i ache every time i think about that being gone now. i must, and will, do it on my own, but i really did want to share it with you.

random notes from this past week

• I just want to listen to Jane's Addiction.
• Calling friends to keep myself from texting you.
• I am going to make this shizz happen, all on my own.
• All sorts of friend and acquaintance love, but no intimate love.
• You did not answer direct questions, even though you loved to ask them!
• I must remember not to hate myself as I try to figure this shit out.
• I need to stop carrying my phone around with me as if you were about to send me a text message. As if our wonderful and terribly missed communication was about to resume.
• Just a simple "I'm sorry." would be very welcome.

H2O

misted droplets camouflage
hot tears
memory brought by sound
shaking,
the loss of you felt
along every nerve

Lessons Not Learned Yet

"Congress is not preparing to defend the people of the United States. It is planning to protect the capital of American speculators and investors.... Incidentally this preparation will benefit the manufacturers of munitions and war machines.... Strike against war, for without you no battles can be fought! Strike against manufacturing shrapnel and gas bombs and all other tools of murder! Strike against preparedness that means death and misery to millions of human beings! Be not dumb, obedient slaves in an army of destruction! Be heroes in an army of construction!"

-Helen Keller at Carnegie Hall January 5, 1916

lunch @scorched earth

silver shine of strong sun on the blue sky leaf dance breeze

Today is my strong day (head held high), but all it took was the distinctive rattle of two diesel Ford trucks pulling trailers, coming into the parking lot by the garden center front gates to send me spinning right back into sorrow. I started shaking, and the tears came hot and gut-wrenching.

I will also be very glad when the sound of a received text message does not cause my heart & stomach to jump with excitement. But oh, how I miss that communication. Ironic, considering how it ended with complete non-communication.

another train poem

plaintive whistle blares
and my heart fills with
longing-
curious to find where the steel rumble
goes/where it has been
the adventure of the distance
and the
getting there

dream sequence

Amanda L., another woman and i are arm-in-arm walking & dancing out of the store (grocery?) we were in and onto the sidewalk, singing all the while...the wide concrete sidewalk has been recently hosed down so it is beautifully clean, shiny and wet...

"That sounds like a Tom Petty Song"

misty rain and a
heart full of love

travel

no longer do my past mistakes haunt me
in insomniac episodes
no longer do i spend sleepless hours
calming my racing heart from the stress
and yet i still have not
broken through the wall
i cannot help but feel, however
that i am only two
steps away

Beer & A Book

dream piece

we are visiting someone, and i have Calypso with us...her cage is in a spot that has a leaking water issue, so i am picking up her cage and getting her out of it & making sure that she is o.k. and cleaning the cage...i am playing with her & washing her little feet...

dream piece

i am at work at Lowe's when i hear that Debi has put in her resignation for retirement, and her job position is open...i turn and scurry inside the store to get to a computer and apply for that open Garden Center position...

3:40 a.m.

drifting clouds long horizontal layers move across and reveal
the shiny crescent moon
the silver luminosity
a brief glimpse
above the orange tint of the horizon
even this early
even at this hour

Car Sex Bruises

the look in your eyes
when you found
my belly-button ring
that night
in the hotel parking lot

trains

plaintive whistle sounds (and my)
heart fills with longing-
curious
to find where the steel rumble goes and
where
it has been
the adventure of the travel,
the distance and the
land

Week In Photos: 7

(untitled poem)

the singer's voice in the
 coffee shop
changes
the molecular structure of
my
presence

then my being becomes
a
floating awareness
in this
light-filled
space

Week in Photos: 6

Week In Photographs: 5

the dreaming recall...

I have been working so much and sleeping so little that I have not been able to remember any of my recent dreams. Last night, however I did sleep, and recall this segment:

i am standing in line to at job #1 when i realize that i have to go to job #2 later on that night, and as i realize this, i break out in sobbing tears, crouching down into a kneeling position i am crying so hard...a couple of people come over to comfort me and see if i am all right...

naked, vulnerable
there is a corner of myself
that is frozen-
would this early morning sun
warm me enough
to melt the pain
caught
therein?

Week In Photographs: 4

Week in Photographs: 3

audio perception

frizzy nimbus representative
of the expansive outreach
that is mind
i often imagine i hear my name
being called
so did not respond
when it actually
was