musings...

Thank you, bell hooks, for helping me so deeply with your perceptive,clear,honest writing. Underscoring some of the thoughts and ideas that i have had of late. Begun with a statement by Kay, now followed through and expanded by Rock My Soul and Bone Black. While not fully and addict-type personality, i do know that i have used my love of good beer as a solace. As a way to ease the pain of life. And currently that is a financial burden for me. As i am (hopefully) through the worst of my financial struggle since getting laid off (10/07/2010), i need to make it to the next step, which is getting rid of the credit card debt that carried me through the rough time of 2010 to now. So, i must make another sacrifice. From 2010 to 2014 it was my time and sleep. Now, i must scale back my "pleasure" spending. That translates to my $10 a day beer habit! hahaaaaa! I will only buy beer on Thursdays & Fridays. Those will be my "play" days. I will also adjust my sleep patterns so i am not staying up till 3 a.m. after work! By going to sleep earlier (say, 1:30) i will be able to get more done during the daylight hours. Not having a few beers each night after work will help me make this adjustment, because having a beer makes me want to party, and often stay up way too late. These changes will help me restore a sense of efficiency. I feel scared and incapable right now. This is all a holdover from the getting laid-off panic, which i am still working to recover from/move through/heal...

     "When the possibility of self  control becomes as attractive - more attractive- than any other possibility, including temporary relief."   -Marc Lewis

dream...

i am visiting Lorraine (totally different house)and she shuns me quite harshly -it hurts so badly- i am crying, but she does not care...she orders me to leave, will have nothing more to do with me...as i continue to implore, to find out WHY, finally the truth comes out -that she is dying of cancer and wants to spare me the pain of that, of losing her to a death from cancer...she tells me that while she is reclining, and i can see that she is in bad shape, ravaged by the cancer...but i am allowed to stay, to continue to be with her, to give her my loving friendship, so i know that we will be together, and that feels very good

poem...

texture/emotion
rain bright
asphalt
shadow
moving
dancing
the song of
night

visiting Poet: d3rek

split wide open
down the middle
cherry blossom
wrinkled symbol

..once again we never meet
again
..instead

..now we're laying naked
holding hands
and we keep playing until we understand


..
it's just something that we can't
describe

i know we're coming loose
we have these things to choose
there's nothing left to do
there's nothing left to prove

stand on air with our hands on
fire
we come together to be ripped
apart

a partial loss this disease
of time
this is sounding the same..

..
this is the..that we can't deny

stand on air with our hands
untied
we've been coming for years
and never felt
this alive

..i know why you wanted me
..
..

i see you look at me
..

.....
the closer we get we feel our
pulses as complements

.......
.........
ageless phase on our faceless
changeless
stainless pages that always
rearrange us
..
....
....
we have no idea what any of this
really means
she swallows
me whole as i rip her seams

why can't we be this way
forever?
caught in your gaze i fade away
this is a dream we won't
remember
but it seems so amazing
even as it changes forever
slip between her patiently
as we come together in total
release
before we leave we become
what we believe

musings at work (Crafted.)

Miss fluffy/Midnight Blue salvia/warm, and blue skies/trying too hard/not connected enough; or, disconnected/where is the center? (Evergreen Center!!!)

Residual weirdness from the creepy "food writer" who tried to hit on me and say he wasn't and the scrubby "scrap metal" guy. I didn't bring my book because i thought i was going to have a delivery to put away! That will arrive tomorrow, i found out. So, i suddenly remember that i know how to write!

I am thinking about how enjoyable yesterday was in the garden. All day, until time to go to work! i am wishing that i could do it again today...ah well. It is a good day none-the-less. I would really like to have a stout, though!!! Haahahaaaa...

dream...

Carlos and his oldest son are here for his birthday event.

dream pieces

Sammikins has jars in her car...Katie V. pulls up in her Jeep...she needs her Dad to hose the fields, they are on fire from Orks!!! i try to text her Dad...

poem...

side-slung waning
last quarter Moon

pre-dawn driving

dream...

i am visiting a friend, and am going to take her three dogs for a walk as she has to leave to go somewhere...the bulldog has a cart/wheeled contraption that i buckle him into, the small black dog has a new light leash that i put on her, the small tan dog has a retractable lead with a very awkward handle...as we are doing  all these preparations to leave on the walk, the tan dog runs off, and i ask Melian to chase her down for me & she brings her back in no time...so then the dogs and i go off walking around the neighborhood, very nice park near by...as we are nearing the house on our return loop, the bulldog's leash breaks and off he goes! i ask Melian to catch him (she was standing by the park ) and she sighs a disgruntled sigh, so i say never mind! and catch up to him in time, and back to the house we go...good doggies

poem @OBH

writing shadows
as Blonde
directs Skinny
to photo shoot smile

Beer & A Book

While reading Lauren Beukes' brilliant book The Shining Girls, I had the additional pleasure of enjoying these three beers; "Hop Ranch", an Imperial IPA from Victory Brewing Co. in Downington PA; "Lunch", and IPA from Maine Beer Co. in Freeport MA and "Raspberry Stout", a chocolate stout brewed with local raspberries from Hardywood Park Craft Breweryin Richmond VA. All three a delight, and recommended, as is Ms Beukes' book about a time-travelling serial killer and one of his victims who did not die.

poem

in the face of
redeath
there is sorrow
how
can empty and hollow
be so full
heart shudders
breathing comes shallow
all is lost
she is gone
again

dream...

my mother is about to die (again), the time is set, and the event is about to occur...this is an euthanasia/compassion event...it seems to be a time-release drug or something similar...i am filled with a pain and sorrow that feels overwhelmingly hollow...as events move forward, she comes to me to say goodbye...she has a scarf on her head...i hold her face in my hands as she speaks, then she walks away down the hall of the medical establishment

dream...

i am with a group of friends, and we are in a parking lot where there is a large vehicle/fire truck...Dawn K. & i take turns photographing each other atop the vehicle...i try to not adopt too goofy a pose

dream...

i am at a very large house, so many rooms...a party is in full swing here, so many people...i wander about, and when i see a large couch full of Grateful Dead tie -dye wearing people, i decide to join that scene...i settle in, very comfy, and just as i am digging the scene, i look to the left and notice a police officer standing there...as this awareness arises in the others, they freak out completely and start tossing weed, eating joints and all other kinds of panic including running the hell out of the house...it is chaos...i decide to do the opposite, so i calmly walk against the tide, going in the opposite direction. good decision, i miss all the negativity. as i walk out into the back courtyard, i see Joel L. and we talk and plan to get together to do something...i walk back into the house to take a shower before we go out, but each of the bathrooms i approach all are occupied...i begin to think that i will just skip the shower! i see Joel again, after he has returned from work, and we talk again...

dream pieces...

i am at the beach, walking up to someone's beach house, which they are in the process of leaving...i assure them that i will take care of the recycling needing to be done, they thank me and go...as i move about the area, the recycling just keeps on showing up, growing, overwhelming. another person has show up with the same intent, in a way we are competing, but there is just SO much...

i have come home with two boxes of cats, which i let go inside the house and caused havoc...my cats are completely freaked and stressed by this...much negativity ensues and i am so filled with anguish and guilt and sorrow and trying to make it right but it might just be too late, it is terrible...

Book & Beer

Here are a few of the fine beers I imbibed while reading The Human Age by Diane Ackerman. From Evil Twin Brewing ; "Molotov Cocktail", a Simcoe single hop Imperial IPA. From DuClaw Brewing; "Anti Venom: Centennial", a single hop IPA. And then a collaboration between Lost Rhino Brewing with Tupper's Beer; "Mother Tupper's Back Of The Cupboard", an Imperial Rye Ale.

dream...

i am at work (Westgate) and leave to get a snack...i walk down the sidewalk to a small store and buy a chocolate candy bar and an energy bar...i hand the clerk my dollar bills, but have left my coins back at my store, so i ask him if it's cool if i run and go get them! he says yes, so i hurry back up the sidewalk...there is a moonbounce with some kids in it trying to be obnoxious, and all sorts of other people around, the parking lot is busy...

dream piece...

a man is in my house trying to take a bedsheet set of mine, i get it back from him telling him that he cannot have my belongings, furthermore it was a gift from my Mother...in the ensuing conversation i look him right in his eyes and tell him that i do NOT trust him...he gets more agitated and the encounter turns uglier...i start telling him firmly to leave, then i start punching him...i try to call the police on my cell phone...more struggle, and then the D.C. cops show up and set the guy down to ask him questions...it is very uncomfortable because they are doing this in my house, i am in the same room & the guy is shooting me dagger looks...

i am overseeing the big donation project that is going on in the neighborhood...a lot of helpers and vehicles getting loaded...i go over to watch where a guy is cutting down a standing dead tree for firewood to be donated...his style is very flamboyant and artistic, but when the top of the tree comes crashing down it lands right at my foot. i am reclined on a flatbed truck watching him cut the tree, the top flies up into the air, then slow-mo down onto the flatbed, just touching my toe when it lands. just that close, but i felt no fear, just wonderment, and then a sense of relief...

FILMS VIEWED 2014

Year of the Horse: Neil Young & Crazy Horse (Jim Jarmusch), 1997

Orlando (Sally Potter), 1992

Pariah (Dee Rees), 2011

Snowpiercer (Joon-Ho Bong), 2013

Tusk (Kevin Smith), 2014

BOOKS READ 2014

• Dreams And Shadows by C Robert Cargill, 2013
• The Broom Of The System by David Foster Wallace, 1987
• Titus Groan by Mervyn Peake, 1946 (re-read)
• Gormenghast by Mervyn Peake, 1950 (re-read)
• Titus Alone by Mervyn Peake, 1959/1967 (re-read)
• Gifts of The Crow by John Marzluff & Tony Angell, 2012
• In One Person by John Irving, 2012
• Home by Toni Morrison, 2012
• Lexicon by Max Barry, 2013
• California by Edan Lepucki, 2014
• Living Downstream by Sandra Steingraber, 2010
• Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor, 2010
• Fire With Fire by Naomi Wolf, 1993
• Reading Lolita In Tehran by Azar Nafisi, 2003
• Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine, 2010
• To 'Joy My Freedom by Tara W. Hunter, 1997
• Vinegar Hill by A. Manette Ansay, 1994
• Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King, 2014
• Carsick by John Waters, 2014
• Men Explain Things To Me by Rebecca Solnit, 2014
• A Natural History Of The Senses by Diane Ackerman, 1990
• Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman,1993
• Tipping The Velvet by Sarah Waters, 2000
• I, etcetera by Susan Sontag, 1978
• Strangers On A Train by Patricia Highsmith, 1950
• Annie John by Jamaica Kincaid, 1985
• Billy Bathgate by E.L. Doctorow, 1989
• A Photographer's Life 1990 – 2005 by Annie Leibovitz, 2006
• Blue Nights by Joan Didion, 2011
• Special Deluxe by Neil Young, 2014
• Tibetan Peach Pie by Tom Robbins, 2014
• Brain On Fire: My Month Of Madness by Susannah Cahalan, 2012
• Moments Of Being by Virginia Woolf, 1976
• The Art Of Asking by Amanda Palmer, 2014
• The Wolves Of Midwinter by Anne Rice, 2013
• Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger, 2009
• Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks, 2012
• Acid Test: LSD, Ecstasy, and The Power To Heal by Tom Shroder, 2014
• Dog Years by Mark Doty, 2007
• Wolf In White Van by John Darnielle, 2014
• Gender Outlaw by Kate Bornstein, 1994
• Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation Kate Bornstein & S. Bear Bergman, 2010
• The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell, 2014
• Musicophilia by Oliver Sacks, 2007
• The Human Age by Diane Ackerman, 2014

CRAFT BEER 2014

• Escape Route – Samuel Adams/The Boston Beer Company, Boston MA
• 'Cold Snap' White Ale – Sam Adams...
• 'Old Man' Winter Ale – Southern Tier Brewing Company, Lakewood NY
• Wolaver's 'Alta Gracia' Coffee Porter – Otter Creek Brewing, Middlebury VT
• 'Anubis' Imperial Coffee Porter – Laughing Dog Brewing Company, Pondery ID
• Walker's Reserve Porter - Firestone Walker Brewing Company, Paso Robles CA
• Imperial Biscotti Break - Evil Twin Brewing/Westbrook Brewing Co., Mount Pleasant SC
• 420 Extra Pale Ale – Sweetwater Brewing Company, Atlanta GA
• 'The Hairy Eyeball' Ale - Lagunitas Brewing Company, Petaluma CA
• 'Dubhe' Imperial Black IPA – Uinta Brewing Company, Salt Lake City UT
• 'Bittersweet Lenny's R.I.P.A.' -Shmaltz Brewing Company, Clifton Park NY
• “Enjoy By 02.14.14” IPA – Stone Brewing Company, Escondido CA
• “The Czar” Imperial stout – Avery Brewing Company, Boulder CO
• “Wet Hops Experiment” pale ale – Blue Point Brewing Company, Patchouge NY
• “Local Species” - Blue Mountain Barrel House, Arrington VA
• “Zoe” hoppy amber ale – Maine Beer Company, Freeport ME
• “Snapshot” wheat beer – New Belgium Brewing, Fort Collins CO
• “Smitten” golden rye ale – Bell's Brewery, Comstock MI
• Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale – Alltech's Lexington Brewing Company, Lexington KY
• “Grapefruit Slam” IPA – Stochasticity Project/Koochenvagner's Brewing Co., Escondido CA
• “Green Bullet” triple IPA – Green Flash Brewing Company, San Diego CA
• “Single Chair” - Magic Hat Brewing Company, South Burlington VT
• “Hopside Down” India style pale lager – Widmer Brothers Brewing, Portland OR
• “Mo” pale ale – Maine Beer Co...
• “Lunch” IPA – Maine Beer Co...
• “Weez” ale – Maine Beer Co...
• “Infidel” Belgian style IPA – Selkirk Abbey Brewing Co., Post Falls ID
• “Ruination” IPA - Stone Brewing
• “Chocolate Love Stout” - Yards Brewing Company, Philadelphia PA
• Dry Irish Stout – Brooklyn Brewery, Utica NY
• “Night Tripper” Imperial Stout – New Holland Brewing, Holland MI
• Side Project Vol. 21/ Smoked Pineapple Helles – Terrapin...
• “Detour” Double IPA – Uinta...
• “Cultivator” Helles Bock – Troegs Craft Brewery, Hershey PA
• New World Porter – Avery...
• Crème Brulee – Southern Tier...
• “Dark Hollow” Imperial Stout – Blue Mountain Barrel House, Arrington VA
• “Le Merle” Belgian style Farmhouse ale – North Coast Brewing Co., Fort Bragg CA
• Blueberry oatmeal Stout – Buffalo Bill's Brewery, Hayward CA
• “Jai Alai” IPA – Cigar City Brewing, Tampa FL
• “White Rascal” Belgian style white ale – Avery...
• “Yule Tide” Imperial red ale – Heavy Seas...
• “Enjoy By 04.20.14” IPA – Stone...
• Imperial Pumpkin Ale - Weyerbacher Brewing Co., Easton PA
• “Mosaic” Red Rye IPA – Terrapin...
• “The Long Thaw” White IPA – Harpoon Brewery, Boston MA & Windsor VT
• “Spring Hornin'” - Anderson Valley...
• “hop Nosh” IPA – Uinta...
• “Falco” IPA – Evil Twin...
• “Piercing Pils” - Dogfish Head...
• Porter – Founders Brewing, Grand Rapids MI
• pretzel, raspberry & chocolate ale - Rogue with Voodoo Doughnut...
• KCCO - Red Hook Brewery w/ Resignation Brewery
• “Back In Black” black IPA - 21^st Amendment Brewery, San Francisco CA
• “Mean Old Tom” vanilla bean Stout – Maine Beer Co....
• “King Titus” porter - Maine Beer Co...
• “Good Juju” ginger beer – Left Hand Brewing Co., Longmont CO
• “Catty Wompus” Belgian IPA – Devil's Backbone...
• “Raven's Roost” baltic porter – Parkway Brewing Co., Salem VA
• “Smells Like A Safety Meeting” IPA – Dark Horse Brewing Co., Marshall MI
• “Fresh Slice” white IPA – Otter Creek Brewing, Middlebury VT
• “Dirt Wolf” double IPA – Victory Brewing Co., Downington PA
• “Mephistopheles” stout – Avery...
• Double Stout Black Ale – Green Flash...
• Black Saison Ale – Stillwater Artisinal, Stratford CT
• “Coco Psycho” Russian Stout – Brewdog, Scotland
• “Freudian Slip” barley wine ale – Evil Twin Brewing...
• “Ashtray Heart” smoked porter - Evil Twin...
• “Summer Helles” lager - New Belgium...
• Belgian Style Golden Ale - Stillwater...
• “Nitro” milk stout – Left Hand...
• “Overgrown” APA – Otter Creek...
• “Rye Cubed” triple rye IPA – Terrapin...
• “Eurotrash Pilz” - Southern Tier...
• “Farmer's Tan” IPA – Southern Tier...
• “Galactica” IPA – Clown Shoes/Mercury Brewing Co., Ipswich MA
• “Nineteen” mango wheat ale - Weyerbacher Brewing Co., Easton PA
• English Pale Ale – Old Bust Head Brewing Co., Vint Hill VA
• “Chukker” Czech pilsner – Old Bust Head...
• “Funk” blueberry citrus wheat – DuClaw...
• “Summer Solstice” ale – Anderson Valley...
• “Devil Dancer” triple IPA – Founders Brewing Co., Grand Rapids MI
• Single Hop Citra Imperial IPA – Flying Dog...
• “Bloodline” blood orange ale – Flying Dog...
• “Dark Seas” Russian imperial stout – Mission Brewery, San Diego CA
• “Blindfold” IPA – Sierra Nevada...
• “Nooner” session IPA - Sierra Nevada
• “Snow Wit” white IPA – Sierra Nevada
• “Ichabod” pumpkin ale – New Holland Brewing, Holland MI
• “Wild Blue” blueberry lager – Blue Dawg Brewing, St. Louis MO
• “Blue” blueberry wheat ale – SweetWater...
• “Tour de Fall” pale ale – New Belgium...
• “Hopfentea” wheat ale – Perennial Artisan Ales, St. Louis MO
• “Night Time” ale – Lagunitas...
• “Whiter Shade Of Pale Ale” white IPA – Starr Hill...
• White IPA – Green Flash...
• “Goat Boy” imperial weizenbock – Southern Tier...
• “Dragon's Milk” ale with chilies – New Holland...
• “Four Pillars” imperial IPA – Lickinghole Creek Craft Brewery, Goochland VA
• “Magic Beaver” Belgian-style pale ale – Lickinghole Creek...
• “Nuclear Nugget” Imperial honey IPA – Lickinghole Creek...
• Marionberry Braggot – Rogue Farms...
• “Tangerine Dreamsicle” - Terrapin & Green Flash...
• 7 Hop IPA – Rogue Farms...
• “Strawberry Schwarzcake” German-style black lager w/strawberries – Wild Wolf Brewing Co., Nellysford VA
• “Thirteenth Hour” dark Belgian-style stout – Samuel Adams...
• “Citra Ass Down” double IPA – Against The Grain Brewery, Westminster MD
• “Quadro Triticale” Belgian-style quadrupel ale – Stone Stochasticity Project...
• “Delirium Red” Belgian ale -Huyghe Brewery, Belgium
• “Undead Party Crasher” American Imperial Stout – Clown Shoes...
• “Sonnet” Belgian-style lemongrass ale – Southern Tier...
• Virginia Blackberry Belgian-Style White Ale – Hardywood Park Craft Brewery, Richmond VA
• “Another One” IPA – Maine Beer Co...
• “Red Wheelbarrow” ale – Maine Beer Co...
• “Rad” fruit juice ale- Six Point Brewery, Brooklyn NY
• “Nomader Weisse” Berliner-style weisse ale – EvilTwin...
• “Missile” IPA – Champion Brewing Co., Charlottesville VA
• “Better Half” American IPA – Mikkeller/Sly Fox Brewing Co., Pottstown PA
• Yakima Wheat Ale – Schlafly Brewing Co., Stevens Point WI
• Pumpkin Ale – Schlafly...
• “Warlock” Imperial pumpkin stout – Southern Tier...
• “B/A/Y/S” Imperial Stout, bourbon barrel aged – Adroit Theory Brewing Co., Purcellville VA
• White Beer – Allagash Brewing Co., Portland ME
• “The Last Word” tart ale with key lime & herbs – Perennial Artisan Ales...
• “Wake Up Dead” imperial stout – Left Hand...
• “Jurata” Baltic porter – Coronado Brewing, Coronado CA & Cigar City Brewing, Tampa FL (collaboration)
• “Chocolate Bunny” chocolate stout – Rhinelander Brewing Co., Monroe WI
• “Fermentation Without Representation” imperial pumpkin porter – (collaboration) Epic Brewing, Salt Lake City UT & D.C. Brau, Washington D.C.
• “Pumpkin Ain't Easy” Belgian-style ale – Lickinghole creek...
• “Fat Jack” double pumpkin ale – Samuel Adams...
• “The Greater Pumpkin” imperial ale – Heavy Seas...
• “Killsner” GWAR Beer by Cigar City Brewing...
• “Gillespie Brown Ale” - Twisted Manzanita Ales, San Diego CA
• “Mars” double IPA – Bell's Brewery...
• “Expedition” stout – Bell's Brewery...
• “Hop Flood” amber ale – Evil Twin...
• “Yin” imperial Taiji stout – Evil Twin...
• “Yang” imperial Taiji IPA – Evil Twin...
• “Debutante” ale with heather, honeysuckle & hyssop – Stillwater Artisanal...
• “Red Seal Ale” North Coast Brewing Co., Fort Bragg CA
• “White Hatter” Belgian-style WPA – New Holland...
• “Curmudgeon” oak aged old ale – Founders...
• “Velvet Glove” imperial stout – Iron Fist Brewing Co., Vista CA
• Porter – Southern Tier
• “Country Pumpkin” - Ithaca Beer Co., Ithaca NY
• Pumpkin Ale – Alewerks Brewing Co., Williamsburg VA
• “Redmarker” ale – Alewerks...
• Oktoberfest – Yuengling, Pottsville PA
• “Breakfast” oatmeal coffee stout – Mikkeller, Lervig Aktiebryggeri Norway
• “Maple Mistress” imperial ale with butternut squash, maple syrup & spices – Saucony Creek Brewing Co., Kutztown PA
• Galaxy single hop imperial IPA – Flying Dog...
• Gratzer ale – New Belgium... & 3 Floyds (collaboration)
• “Witch's Hair” pumpkin ale – Twisted Manzanita...
• “The Mad Elf” ale with honey and cherries – Troegs Craft Brewery, Hershey PA
• “Skellington” Pumpkin spice Coffee Stout – Triple Crossing Brewing, Richmond VA
• “Cannibalism” milk stout – Adroit Theory...
• salted Belgian chocolate stout – New Belgium & Perennial Artisan (collaboration)...
• “Retribution” bourbon barrel imperial stout – DuClaw...
• “Farmhouse Pumpkin” - Hardywood...
• “Pecan Bar” porter – Adroit Theory...
• “Scorpion” black IPA – Adroit...
• “Bloody Roots” imperial brown ale with honey, tomatoes, celery salt, horseradish & habaneros– Adroit & 3 Notched (collaboration)...
• Mushroom Stout – Adroit
• “Saviours & Guillotines” imperial saison aged in red wine barrels – Adroit...
• “Virginia Black Bear” Russian imperial stout – Lickinghole Creek...
• Rye Whiskey Barrel Pumpkin farmhouse ale – Hardywood...
• “Holiday Cheer” peach pecan ale – Shiner...
• “Hop Noir” black IPA – Peak Organic Brewing Co., Portland ME
• “Timber Beast” rye IPA – Lazy Magnolia Brewing Co., Kiln MS
• “Red Hoppocalypse” imperial ale – Apocalypse Ale Works, Forest VA
• “Blitzen” Belgian-style christmas ale – Blue Mountain...
• Scottish Porter – Innis & Gunn, Edinburgh Scotland
• “Guilty, Filthy Soul” chocolate rye porter – DuClaw...
• “Chocolate Sombrero” chocolate ancho chili stout – Clown Shoes...
• Harvest Ale wet-hopped ale – Founders...
• Gingerbread Stout – Hardywood...
• “The Poet” oatmeal stout – New Holland...
• “Snowdrift” vanilla porter – Leinenkugel Brewing Co., Milwaukee WI
• Harvest Northern Hemisphere wet hop IPA – Sierra Nevada...
• “I Love You With My Stout” - Evil Twin...
• “One” oatmeal stout – Dark Horse...
• “Natalie Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top” Imperial biscotti break porter – Evil Twin
• “Femme Fatale Noir” black India pale Ale – Evil Twin...
• “Boomerang IPA” - Sierra Nevada...
• “Enjoy By 12.26.14”IPA – Stone Brewing...
• “Big Bad Baptist” imperial stout – Epic Brewing...
• “Long John Lager” - Saranac...
• “B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher” oatmeal imperial stout – Hoppin' Frog Brewing Co., Akron OH
• “Hoplar” imperial IPA – Hardywood...
• “American Beauty” imperial pale ale – Dogfish Head...
• “Puppy Dawg Tales” Belgian-style Winter Ale – Parkway...
• “Merry Christmas Happy New Year 2014” ale - Anchor Brewing, San Francisco CA
• “a tiny beautiful something” ale – Maine Beer Co...
• “Starlit” star anise porter – Magic Hat...
• “Encore” American wheat IPA – Magic Hat...
• “Snow Roller” Hoppy brown ale – Magic Hat...
• “The Muddy” imperial stout – Goose Island...
• “Coffeehouse Stout” - Alewerks...
• “Gingerbread Head” ale – Shipyard Brewing, Portland ME
• “Cabin Fever” brown ale – New Holland...
• “Black Me Stout” - collaboration between Against Me! & Champion Brewing Co., Charlottesville VA
• “Narwhal” imperial stout/barrel aged – Sierra Nevada...
• “Collaboration Not Litigation” ale – Avery Brewing & Russian River Brewing Co.
• “Saison du Buff” herbal ale – Dogfish Head...
• “Winter Warmer” ale w/cinnamon & nutmeg - Harpoon Brewery...
• “Mother Tupper's Back Of The Cupboard” imperial rye ale – Lost Rhino Brewing Co., Ashburn VA in collaboration with Tupper's Beer
• “Morning Wood” oak aged coffee amber ale – Pub Dog Brewing Co., Westminster MD
• “Christmas Ale” - Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland OH
• “Mercury” Belgian-style ale- Bell's...
• “Bourbon Barrel GBS” gingerbread stout – Hardywood...
• Caramel Macchiato Milk Stout – Adroit Theory...
• “Not A Beautiful And Unique Snowflake” holiday ale – Adroit Theory
• “OFUS” ginger Tripel – Adroit Theory
• “Zero” coffee IPA – Adroit...
• “Zero” neutral oaked coffee IPA – Adroit
• “Trendy TRIPA” triple IPA – collaboration between Adroit Theory & Three Notch'd Brewing in Charlottesville VA
• “Gentleman Farmer Fresh Hop Ale” - Lickinghole Creek...
• “Master Of Disguise” imperial golden stout – Stone Stochasticity Project...
• “Abraxas” ale w/ancho chilies, cacao nibs & cinnamon sticks – Perennial...

dream

i am helping Steph T. move...she is going into a new apartment, so i am hauling up stuff for her...one thing is a grocery shopping cart...the apartment is taking shape,a plant or two, nice windows...Frank Mc. is there (?!?)

dream pieces...

i am at work, trying to open my locker...i cannot get the combination correctly, no matter how many different ways i try, and the lock keeps changing...i grow worried, for i fear that i will be late...i try to get help

i am looking for a slide to put [something] on so that we can view it under the microscope...

dream...

there is a big meeting about to happen...i am talking with another attendee, and she says that Sage S. is going to also be here...i am excited about this, and look for him as more people begin to arrive, as more people sit in the chairs provided, as more cars pull into the parking lot

i go into a public restroom, in the stall i am pulling up my pants after urinating...two young boys, teenagers, have come into the restroom, one is standing inside the stall that i am in as the door was open...i tell him that i will be done in just a moment, or that he could go to the men's room across the hall...the two of them go out the door to the other restroom...as i am walking out i mention to anyone that men have been coming into the women's room all day! - then i am in the men's room scooping kitty crunchies back into the container there (which is like the air hand dryer)...a tall man walks into the restroom and tells me that he is going into the stall there, i tell him that i was just cleaning up, adding more toilet paper for them and all...we both say "o.k.!" to each other and i exit

depressed in my dreams...depressed all day - mildly functional, though...what is the point of it all? there is joy, but there is self-loathing...

After Work Walk With Rhiannon

rain rivulets washing washing
tides of
moving moving
we keep stride beside
we walk
and smell and breathe as we walk
as the rain falls sounding shining centering

dream pieces

i am looking for a particular place, and my co-worker Khoshal will help me, we are walking with another co-worker...i realize that i know the place, so we just walk together until Khoshal turns down a worn path. i jog over to him to see what is up, he says that he is going back, and i realize that his 15 minute break is over. so we hug, and off he goes.

dream pieces

i am in a car with some acquaintances and we are driving on Rt. 234 in Manassas down by and past the Mall ...

i am at work and two people who might be co-workers forbid me to consume any alcohol in my personal time whatsoever. they are strange/shady characters, i am trying to discuss this with them. one of them keeps insinuating that my job performance is low, and that i have done something wrong, like stealing or such. it is very strange, because she keeps sidling off and not really telling me what she means, or what the issue is, won't look me directly in the eyes...then i realize that it is past time to close the store, so i go to lock the doors, and have a difficult time with that. the customers just keep on coming in, no matter what i do or say...

cartoon dream

i dream a new "Rugrats" cartoon episode...one of the characters is named "Septum", and he does have his septum pierced...it is all very vivid and colorful and very entertaining...

dream

i am in bed and i hear a truck in the driveway...as i look out the window, i see a white construction truck that is attempting to back up so as to leave...they get close to my car and then stop, so i go outside to tell them that they have plenty of room...they are unsure, so i offer to move my car to make it easier for them, so i grab my keys and half-way toss on a t-shirt...as i hurry out front, i notice that it as lightly snowed, and my car is not in the same spot as it was moments before...i back onto the carport, and then as i am moving the car a little to straighten it out, the truck is trying to leave, so i just leave it parked as it is...then as i watch there are white construction vans and other trucks all over the yard, each either leaving or parked around, all of them with different company logos on the side...

My Mom Is Famous

a customer, whom i recognized as a regular, came up to me today as i was hanging tags in aisle #12 and asked, haltingly, if i was related to Betty Worthen. she said with a big smile, that i just look so much like her!! that she had been wanting to ask me. i told her i am glad that she did. and as we are talking, who comes walking up then but Karen Bonita. YES!!! life...

a dream...which becomes Lucid

i approach a door to an apartment building/townhouse, and as i pull it open with my left hand, my elbow bumps into an older white man's abdomen (Mr. Latham) which startles me somewhat as i did not know that he was there, standing so close to me. i step back and say, "shit!". he just gives me a look. i go on inside and get on the elevator, hoping he does not follow me. but i punch the 2nd floor by accident, and come out to an apartment which i think must be his because i notice a strong smell of Ben-Gay lotion. i immediately turn and head for the stairs, figuring that since he is moving slowly, i probably will not encounter him again. once i get back down to ground level, i try going in through another door, but it is still not where i am trying to go. the buildings are old, crumbly and i try another door. when i get inside this place, everything is suddenly quite bright, even though very old and dusty. i realize that i am dreaming (!) as i shut the door. i realize that i am LUCID DREAMING! i am very excited by this, and the first thing i think is that i cannot wait to tell Kay! so, just to be certain, i bring my hands up to look at them. i am wearing black gloves. i ascend the steps, looking at everything in this intense light, noticing every detail...

dream...

i am in Mom's room with a friend, and notice that the ceiling is leaking, rainwater dripping into a small bucket that Mom has set there. i wonder why she did not tell me about this...i go to get another bucket, and as i open the utility room door, there is more water pouring out of a pipe in there...i tell my friend to come here and look at this! then i get a larger bucket to catch that water, and try to figure out what to do to fix the situation...

my friend & i are in Mom's room on the bed, talking and holding each other and i am wondering just how this is going to work out...it feels odd, but good to be close with him

the tiniest dream piece ever

i am comfortably reclined in a lawn chair talking with someone...as we talk, she looks at my out-stretched legs and i think that she is noticing that i do not shave 

Not Sure How To Feel About THis

My best friend said, "I am not good company now, lol." and declined my invitation to come over to the house.

My daughter gets a pained look on their face every time I walk up to them to speak.

My dog jumped up and ran into the other room when I got close to her.

dream

i am at Steph's house/work, and she has had too much to drink and thrown up all over the place...chunky, with visible chickpeas and pasta, etc. 

i walk in the door of my house, and then into the bathroom. there is throw up all over the bathroom, sink, toilet, etc. and towels here and there. it is a total mess. i walk into the kitchen and say to the person there, "Steph must be here." and as i speak, i hear a laugh/giggle from the living room. there she is laid back on the sofa with her feet up. there is puke in the kitchen too. i am so angry, she has not made a move to clean any of this up. i think, she can just go back to her own house.

dream segments

• i am in a building, (maybe work?) and walking from one room to another when i hear the door open and Alex's (Uncle Kronos) voice behind me. i turn, hollering "Alex!!" and go hug & greet him. we enjoy talking...
• i am at an event, walking over to put a large pan/bowl back at the stall...i have on no pants & am not concerned about this...i stumble as i walk and laugh at my clumsiness and leg fat wiggle...i put on a pair of board shorts and am made uncomfortable by the feel of the wet cloth on my skin so i decide to go to the pool and have a swim to feel better...
• i am back working at Crown Books as the manager, i am walking around the store...in many areas there is art hanging, and informational posters instead of bookshelves...i am saddened and disturbed by this as i make my way around the store. i introduce myself to one of the employees, he seems genuinely happy to meet me. i go up front and get on register as a small line has formed. have a bit of trouble getting the register to work, but the family is pleasant about it, we share a laugh. they are exchanging one book which was defective, and buying one other picture book for their child.
• i am at a hospital and go into the children's ward to relax. there was a lot of negative stuff happening elsewhere, and i needed to chill out. playing on a rolling chair...i help one of the nurses with a child named little georgie who did not want to come in to the ward. i hugged him and spoke with him, and it was all right...

the dreaming

D3rek texts me, saying that we should get a roll of paper and some pens and do a NaNoWriMo together. i whole-heartedly agree.

dream segments

• broken fence section at gate...cohabitor says there have been three phone calls...Rhiannon is loose/out...look for leash clumsily (asleep??)...hear voices, go outside, here comes a woman and her son with Rhiannon...we are in the front yard, the mom talks about the moss on the stump of an oak tree
• making friends with a woman and her three beautiful little girls, all with curly hair...store parking lot, working on/fixing something on my car...end up holding the woman so very close as we part/say goodbye --- later, walking through urban neighborhood, see her and the girls and lots of other people ---then, we move into a townhouse together, just as quickly, she is Chuck, but a tall older female version, and says something abusive to me, so i break up with her immediately. she moves out, back to her house, we do part nicely, i tell her i love her three girls
• driving on Rt. 15 at the Rt. 55 intersection i see Rhiannon walking on the side of the road, i open the car door and call her, she has recognized my car and jumps in. she is wet, and has some cuts on her side, but is happy to see me...i go visit Maxie and tell him about all of this, we go get some beer and party --- trying to collect all the empty beer bottles from the party to recycle, the setting is a store right by the side of the road
• go in a country store, patois spoken by the patrons there...i need to pee, the restroom is public, little more than a screened off bucket, really...a man watches and comments about me the entire time i urinate. i have a lot of urine and it feels very good when i am done
• make friends with a woman, we have a very stimulating discussion about adventure --- later, at the side of the road with another friend, this woman pulls up in her vehicle and shows me/us a pamphlet about some very interesting land for sale in the south of Florida, at the very end of the state...watching out for traffic so she doesn't get hit by other cars, as she has not pull off the road
• there is an event at the pool/clubhouse area that i am attending...as it is about to begin, i run back to the house to get something out of my car which i had forgotten...i cue some music, and see Cindi K. through the kitchen window, singing along to the T Rex song playing...we kind of wink at each other as i run back to the event...another song then plays 

poem

swimming through deep
                water
with many draglines
attached
(kicking through turbulence)
floating through/and floating over
bold arm strokes/i am
surging ahead
hoping none of these
things
pull me under
pull me
 to the bottom

small pieces of dreaming

• 3 or 4 women playing guitar, singing, from different bands/musical collectives...showing each other technique and songs and playing styles...i am close, listening/observing/longing...i wish to be a part of this joyfulness
• a large cat, with a leash around its middle, is playing with me...we are leaping and chasing and then lying in the grass next to a building which is either demolished or new construction
• Harry S. wins $40 million on a lottery type mechanized game
• also trying out strategies for lottery winning are a newly made friend and i...she is lovely and has been part of two other dreaming sequences: in one she is singing with a beautiful voice, soprano/alto register, in another she is at the grocery store in my line as i ring up her groceries we are joking and becoming closer, becoming friends

plans to dream & live

One of the benefits I have hoped to achieve from not working ALL THE TIME is dreaming well (by sleeping again) and recalling that dreaming vividly, and thus being able to write the dreaming. So far I am sleeping, and the dreamstate is rich, but I have not moved back into the writing aspect. Having just read this quote; "The novelist Mary Lee Settle tumbles out of bed and heads straight for her typewriter, before the dream state disappears." (Diane Ackerman A Natural History Of The Senses), I am inspired to revisit my desired benefit, and revamp my habits. I know that I have been allowing myself to heal from those four years of hard work, so have not tried to structure my time in any sort of fashion. But I have slid into the staying up very late, and sleeping very late mode. Now that less daylight is with us as the Season changes, I feel it might be a good time to gently put myself into a different sleep pattern so as to take advantage of what daylight is available. Thus being more productive, and ward off any seasonal depression that might show up.                                                                                                                                                                 

recurring dream theme & location

there is a gathering/festival/happening  all along Logmill Road and down to Route 15...i see Joanie there, and help her when walking back because it gets quite steep...
                      
                   AND THIS ALSO:

i hear the UPS delivery van drive up to the house...i go find the envelope that i need to send with them, but the worker hands it back to me and says it must be mailed...

at work running the register...

just out of reach

i remember dreaming, but not WHAT i dreamt.

visual poem

lollipop wrappers in the rain
            like mini condoms

dream

i am at work at Giant, trying to find a register to ring up a customer, the store has been closed, and nobody told me

plumbing issues

loud splash in the middle of the night awakens me
and i know it for a cat falling into the tub
where the water is slowly, slowly draining
i go back to sleep
and my dreaming picks up the theme;
Tille walks out of the bathroom at the store, 
trying to dry off after having fallen
in the water. I cry out, "oh no, girl! now what happened?"

left turn

even when sitting in a vehicle
waiting for the traffic light's change to green
there is beauty come unexpected, and delightful
sunlight glints on petals wind-rolled, dancing
through the intersection

"Witty Repartee"

pithy statements
double entendre
rapid punnetry
sexual innuendo
delicious sarcasm

EXHAUSTION

Remember to hide inside myself as i try to make it through this work day here. Negativity everywhere. Mantra must be "don't care", don't get sucked into it. I am exhausted, done with this. Tired of people telling me how to do my job, tired of being treated like i am stupid. Tired of always working, tired of working here at Lowe's.

observation at work

There is a very clear delineation between the good people and the outright assholes today.

a Book & many Beers...

Titus Groan by Mervyn Peake, a re-read for me, last read in 1975. The libations: "Falco" from Evil Twin Brewing, "Mosaic" from Terrapin Beer Company and "Weez" from the Maine Beer Company.

#gardencenter

the setting Moon fades
 in the Western sky
paled out
by the light of the
Vernal Equinox
morning

best vehicle license plates ever

GAY NERD

Utopia

During one of my high school English Lit classes, the teacher assigned us a paper detailing our concept of a Utopian Society. Mine was the ONLY one in the entire class that did not involve a police state of some sort. I was laughed at in the class.

dream

I am walking down a neighborhood street, and as i am about to cross over a larger street, i hear Lorraine calling out to me. i turn to look at her, and begin to walk toward her when she tells me to look out. a white van is pulling into the intersection right at me. i move over, and as he (white male) drives past me he says something derogatory. i just snort a laugh and walk over to Lorraine. we are greeting each other in the middle of the road, so we walk together up the sidewalk and across the road to the other side of the street. she wants to show me her place. when we get there, she shows me the landscaping setup she has done at the sidewalk. it's very cute! she has named one of her plants (a female name) and introduces me. a neighbor and her son walk by on the sidewalk, and we laugh, introducing them to the plant. as we move aside to allow them to pass, the plant gets jostled, and as we reset the plant in it's place we joke about that.

ponder this

DONUT IS A CHAMELEON IN PINK CAMO

KEY WORDS

beautiful morning/sunrise...inspired and excited about being off from work Wednesday and Thursday...also anxious about bank account...

beautiful dream, memory mostly lost

i am swimming with Rhiannon

success!

dodged all of yesterday's snow-filled potholes
hour and a half late for work

BOOKS READ - 2013

• The Big Cat Nap by Rita Mae Brown, 2012
• Game Of Thrones by George R.R. Martin, 1996
• A Clash Of Kings by George R.R. Martin, 1999
• A Storm Of Swords by George R.R. Martin, 2000
• A Feast For Crows by George R. R. Martin, 2005
• A Dance With Dragons by George R. R. Martin, 2011
• NOS4A2 by Joe Hill, 2013
• MaddAddam by Margaret Atwood, 2013
• 11/22/63 by Stephen King, 2011
• The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman, 2013
• Bleeding Edge by Thomas Pynchon, 2013

CRAFT BEER 2013

• Double Black Lightning – DuClaw Brewing Company, Abingdon MD
• X-1 (Imperial Chocolate Rye Porter) -DuClaw
• Cappuccino Stout – Lagunitas Brewing Co., Petaluma CA
• 75 Minute IPA – Dogfish Head...
• Really Old Brown Dog Ale – Smuttynose Brewing Co., Portsmouth NH
• Vertical Epic 12.12.12 – Stone Brewing Company, Escondido CA
• New Albion Ale – New Albion Brewing Company, Boston MA (with Sam Adams)
• Alpine Spring – Sam Adams...
• OREgasmic Ale – Cahtoe Rogue (Ales), Newport OR
• Abbey Ale – Abita Brewing Company, Abita Springs LA
• “FM 966” Farmhouse Ale – Shiner Brewery, Shiner TX
• Conway's Irish Ale – Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland OH
• Hop Manna IPA – Shmaltz Brewing Company, Saratoga Springs NY
• Robert Johnson's Hellhound On My Ale – Dogfish Head...
• Blue Paddle pilsener - New Belgium...
• duganA IPA - Avery Brewing, Boulder CO
• So Fresh & So Green, Green – Terrapin Beer Co., Athens GA
• O'Ryely IPA – Widmer Brothers, Portland OR
• 4059' – Saranac...
• White IPA – Saranac...
• Black Bear Bock – Saranac...
• Chocolate Lager – Saranac...
• Nelson Imperial Ale – Widmer …
• Hoppy Bock – New Belgium...
• Red Caboose Ale – Rumspinga Brewing Company, Bird-In-Hand PA
• Red IPA – Saranac...
• The Congo – Devil's Backbone Brewing Company, Lexington VA
• Kilt Flasher – Devil's Backbone...
• White Lantern – Samuel Adams...
• Double Agent IPL – Samuel Adams...
• Cherry Blossom Lager – Old Dominion Brewing Company, Dover DE
• Grateful Pale Ale – Starr Hill Brewery, Crozet VA
• Northern Lights - Starr Hill
• Rolle Bolle – New Belgium
• 2X IPA - Southern Tier Brewing Company, Lakewood NY
• Pistil – Magic Hat...
• Elder Betty – Magic Hat...
• Summer Session Ale – Evolution Craft Brewing Company, Salisbury MD
• Citra Blonde – Widmer Bros...
• Schwartz Bier – Devil's Backbone...
• Turbo Cougar – Devil's Backbone...
• “Rampant” Imperial IPA – New Belgium...
• 2013 Southern Hemishpere Fresh Hop Ale – Sierra Nevada...
• Lucky 13 – Lagunitas...
• Area 151 – Wild Wolf Brewing Co., Nellysford VA
• Paardebloem – New Belgium...w/ Red Rock Brewery, Salt Lake City UT
• Pluot (Lips of Faith Series) – New Belgium...
• Stony Brook Red – Sam Adams...
• Maple Pecan Porter - Sam Adams....
• Pumpkick – New Belgium...
• Ichabod Crandall – Devil's Backbone...
• Hoptimization- 3 Brothers Brewing, Harrisonburg VA
• Mad Bishop – DuClaw...
• Oktoberfest – Great Lakes Brewing...
• Downright Pilsner – Port City Brewing Company, Alexandria VA
• The Corruption IPA – DC Brau Brewing, D.C.
• Monkeynaught IPA – Straight To Ale, Huntsville AL
• Morning Glory espresso stout - Old Dominion Brewing, Dover DE
• Shiner Black Lager – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Prickly Pear – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Wild hare pale ale – Spoetzl...
• Shiner Kosmos – Spoetzl...
• The Great Outdoors - Virginia pale ale - 3 Brothers......
• Irish Style Lager – Rogue...
• Pumking – Southern Tier...
• Secret Stash Harvest Ale – Flying Dog Brewery, Frederick MD
• Fall Hornin' – Anderson Vally Brewing, Boonville CA
• Out of Your Gourd Pumpkin Porter – Redhook Brewery, WA/NH/OR
• Séance – Magic Hat...
• Pumpkin Ale – Saranac...
• Flipside Red IPA – Sierra Nevada...
• Pumpkinfest – Terrapin...
• Pumpkinhead – Shipyard Brewing Co., Portland ME
• Postroad Pumpkin Ale – Brookly Brewery, Utica NY
• Harvest Ale – Goose Island Beer Co., Baldwinsville NY
• OKTO Festival Ale – Widmer Brothers...
• Giddy Up! - New Belgium...
• Pumpkin UFO – Harpoon Brewery, MA/VT
• El Mole Ocho – New Holland Brewing, Holland MI
• Sixth Day – Goose Island Beer, Chicago IL
• Accumulation – New Belgium...
• Dark Abby – Devil's Backbone...
• Snowblind Doppelbock – Starr Hill...
• Secret Spot Winter Ale – Evolution Craft Brewing, Salisbury MD
• Brrr – Widmer Brothers...
• Juniper Ale – Sam Adams...
• Cherry Chocolate Bock – Sam Adams...
• G-Thing – Magic Hat...
• Moo-Hoo 2013 – Terrapin...
• Winter Solstice Season Ale – Anderson Valley...
• Reunion Ale '13 – Terrapin & Shmaltz...
• Sweet Baby Jesus! - DuClaw...
• krampus Imperial Helles Lager – Southern Tier...
• Monticello Reserve Ale – Starr Hill...

dreams

neil young is playing a concert in a small venue which feels like my living room...pegi is there, in odd clothes...during one song, neil & i start dancing together, and i am awed at the fact that i am DANCING WITH NEIL YOUNG!!! 

i am troubleshooting things everywhere i go...many situations, many different places, many different people involved...but in each scenario, i fix whatever is wrong...